back nextFuck. Fuck! FUCK!!!! I should have done something! Even if it was something stupid like sneaking into his bag in cat form right before he left, or something! Honestly, that's the only thing I could even think of doing besides what I did, which was nothing. I tried to think of any other possible silly stupid crazy funny STUPID things I could've done, but they all seemed unrealistic.
I guess I could have tried harder to convince him to let me come. But I think i was afraid. I was stupid and afraid that if I admitted all the dumb gay feelings that were bursting in my chest like a shaken cherry coke that he would've... I don't even know!!! Probably nothing!!! That's the worst part! I KNOW I'm being stupid! I KNOW that Dirt loves me, and that nothing I said would have changed that! But it's like my brain just doesn't let me say those things. Like it hastily shuts me up with a line of hot pink cheetah-print duct tape over my sexy sexy lips!
I just let myself cry. Even more than before. I just let the fucking waterworks FLOW, baby. But of course, Sarah heard me, and came to check on me. God dammit. I literally love her to fucking DEATH but like, I kind of could've used a little privacy? Jeez... At least she knocks first, unlike me lol.
"Salem?" she said so sweetly in her sweet little angel voice that admittedly raised my spirits a LITTLE, "Can I come in?"
I did a huge sniffle, making sure she could hear it through the door. I wanted to be alone. Or I thought I did. But when she came to the door, my disposition changed suddenly. "Y-yeeah...." I said in the miserablist tone I could muster.
She gently opened the door, and the look of pity on her face punched me in the gut. I always hated that. Pity. It's an embarrassing emotion on both ends. On pityer's side, they just feel some kinda fucked up by another person's issues. In some cases, they don't even actually care about the person they pity, but they get all weird about it anyway. EMBARRASSING. And on the pityee's side, it's even worse. They're now responsibly for someone else's fucked up feelings because they were the one to do something fucked up or feel fucked up or whatever in the first place! To be pitied wracks ones mind with overwhelming guilt. EMBARRASSING.
Sarah sat with me on the bed, and put her hand on my back, rubbing it in circles. "It's gonna be okay, sweetheart," she said softly, "It's only four days. A month from now, it'll hardly feel like anything!"
"But NOW it feels like EVERYTHING!!!" I cried, sobbing into my hands for the whatevereth time that day.
"Oohh..." Sarah cooed and put her arms around me. I get that she was just trying to reassure me, but it really wasn't helping all that much to be honest.
Cause like, I know already. LOGICALLY, I fucking KNOW that it isn't even that fucking long!!! It had only been a couple hours since he'd left, and I'd gone 12 hours at a time not seeing him when he was at work and stuff! It just felt so much different than that. Than when he was at work and stuff. When Dirt was at work, if I really wanted to, I could just run over there and see him! But now, he was so so far away!
When I got the "just landed" text from Dirt I burst into tears again like a fucking loser. This whole thing made me feel SO loserly! Like god just! Get! Over it!!!!
I tried to scroll through tumblr for a while, but it just pissed me off. Bad opinion central in the catboy community over there :/ And every time I saw a horny post (which was like every other fucking post because I follow a lot of horny people) it just made me feel yucky, which was REALLY unusual for me. I WASN'T EVEN HORNY!!!!! It seemed impossible, but it was true!
Before it was even dark out, I used my own sleep magic to put myself to sleep, hoping I would feel at least a little better after some shuteye...