Black Cats Bring Good Luck

sick

Dirt woke up with a pounding headache, a scratchy throat, and a catboy clinging tightly to his torso. He groaned, and rubbed at his forehead in an attempt to soothe its painful throbbing. But that doesn't work, that never fucking works, but we all fuckin' do it anyway, don't we.

"You're sick," Salem said with a quiet, concerned voice, his forehead pressed against Dirt's back. "I sensed it when you got home this morning but I didn't want you to freak yourself out..."

Dirt sighed, and rested his arm over Salem's squeezing his hand. "I need to get up," he said quietly, trying not to aggravate his headache. Salem reluctantly released his boyfriend and let him slide out of bed. Dirt dragged his hands down his face with a groan. He needed to find some painkiller.

"I got you some water," Salem said softly, pointing to the desk, where there was in fact a glass of water.

"Oh. What? When?" Dirt asked, as he graciously started chugging it.

Salem shrugged. "Um I dunno like a half hour ago or something I don't remember," he said nonchalantly. This seemed out of character for Salem, doing something for someone else? instead of the other way around?

"Thank you," Dirt said as he wiped his mouth, "That's really sweet of you..."

"Yeah whatever...." Salem crossed his arms.

Dirt left the room and went to the bathroom to search the medicine cabinet. Salem followed right behind him in cat form, rubbing against his legs as they squinted at the bottles on the shelves. He found the Advil, but there was only one left. "Shit..." he whispered to himself. He'd have to go to the store. In THIS condition, no less.

He popped the last Advil and threw the bottle away, going back to his room to get dressed. Salem hopped up onto his bed and transformed. "What are you doing?" he asked, sounding concerned.

"I need to get more painkiller," Dirt answered as he pulled his hoodie on.

"Like this???" Salem yelped, sitting up on his knees, his eyebrows knit together in worry.

"Uh yeah? I gotta go to work today, I'm gonna need the meds, dude."

Salem whimpered. "But! You have a fever! You need to rest!! You can't possibly go to work like this!" Dirt winced as Salem's voice raised. "Sorry..." he whispered.

"It's okay. I have to go, man, I need the money... It's cute that you're so worried about me though," he said with a smirk.

"But you'll DIE if you go!" Salem grabbed Dirt by his sleeve and pulled him over.

"Heh. I'm not gonna die, buddy... I'm fine. This is practically nothing!" Dirt reasoned. But Salem looked up at him with those puss in boots eyes, his lip trembling, as he held onto Dirt's hand. "Oh, come on..." Dirt sighed, turning to face him. "I've had to go to work sick plenty of times before, I'll be fine!" they assured him, petting his head. "Plus, it's Christmas Eve.. They're gonna need me there." Un-fucking-fortunately...

"Ahh! That's exactly why you can't go! I'll make Sarah take me to the store to get you medicine, and you stay right here and drink water and—"

"Salem," Dirt interrupted, putting a hand on his shoulder, "It's okay, dude! You don't have to worry about me. If I don't go to work tonight, we'll be short on rent this month..."

Salem went 🥺. "Well... What if I help with rent?" he offered. That's right... Salem made a bit of money as well. "I mean I do live here and all..."

Dirt sighed again. It would be nice to have some help... "Well. Alright. But that means I need to find someone to cover me.." Dirt grabbed his phone from his desk and scrolled through his text messages to find his conversation with Amber.

2:55PM
me: hey man i am so sorry to ask you this on today of all days but i have a fever and i need someone to cover my shift tonight... 11-6
amber: oh fuck
amber: agh... i can't dude i have plans already that i can't cancel :( i'm sorry you're sick tho i hope u feel better ♥
me: its ok thanks bro ♥

Shit... Dirt scrolled through his contacts. Leslie.

me: hey are you available to cover my shift tonight? so sorry to ask on xmas but i have a fever
leslie: im out of town sorry
me: its cool. hope ur having a good time, dude

Victoria.. Dirt felt bad about asking a teen to cover his Christmas Eve shift... He felt bad about asking ANYONE, but a teen was even worse. But he was running out of options.

me: hey i'm really sorry to ask this on xmas but i have a fever and need someone to cover my shift tonight

No response. The pickings were slim... If Victoria didn't answer, Dirt would need to ask Brian, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Salem and Sarah had left for the store by now, and Dirt was just laying on his bed staring at his phone, waiting for a response, his head feeling foggy and still pounding. One dose of Advil was never enough for him... He fell asleep.


And then he had a dream where a witch turned Salem evil and made him hate him. And she ordered him to kill Dirt, and his eyes were fucking RED and he was scratching them up like crazy and was shrieking and biting at his eyeballs. What the fuck. Dirt tried to fight back and be like, "Salem, It's me!! Please stop it I know you're in there!" but Salem was like, "Oh, I know who you are..." just like in She-ra... But then there was a burst of light from the side and it was like dark clouds rolling away as the sun came out and the witch melted and Salem snapped out of it and held Dirt and cried because he hurt them so bad :(

Then the dream completely changed course and he was in a whole new setting and circumstance. He was walking alone in a forest and felt like he was being followed... He could hear footsteps and the crunching of leaves and branches as some sort of beast ran through the trees behind him. He started to run but he dropped his flashlight and tumbled to the ground. Then when he got up, he was actually just on a movie set, and the thing chasing him was Naruto. The Naturo actor scoffed and was like, "Run faster, idiot..." and Dirt started crying.


When he woke up again, his headache had dissipated, and there was a grocery bag next to his head. And it was dark outside. Dirt shot up and checked the time on his phone. 9:50. How did he sleep for that long?? He had JUST woken up and then fell back asleep for like seven MORE hours??? Was this Salem's doing, with his weird sleep magic?

He checked his phone and had a text from Victoria saying she couldn't cover him. Fuck! He didn't have much time left! He had to ask Brian for help...

9:51PM
me: hey I am so so sorry to ask you about this so short notice but i was accidentally asleep all day because i have a fever and i need someone to cover my shift. everyone else already said they can't do it. i'm really sorry to bother you like this.

God fucking dammit I'm so pathetic. He fucking hates me. Out of every shitty thing I've done, this is by far the worst.

9:52PM
brian: got it. feel better dude

Oh. Was Brian like... not mad at him? Or was he just really cool? Or both? Dirt had to restrain himself from sending an "are you mad at me" text. He said he's got it. It's fine.

Dirt sighed, setting is phone down, and started rummaging through the grocery bag. They'd gotten him more advil, god how do i avoid namedropping a bunch of stupid brands ugh, a Nyquil/Dayquil multipack thing, some throat lozenges, and his favorite bottled iced tea. That was probably Sarah's doing. Dirt smiled, and popped a lozenge into his mouth. He got out of bed and went to the kitchen to put his now room temperature tea in the fridge. Salem was on the couch watching some anime. When he heard Dirt come out of their room, his ears perked up and his tail flicked in excitement, but he otherwise sat still.

"What're you watching?" Dirt asked, making his way across the room.

"Um eye dee kay, some shit Netflix recommended," he replied, pausing it.

"You pay for Netflix?"

"Lawl, no. This is Jameson's account. Mitt gave me the password," Salem bragged.

"Tch... Nice.. Anyways uh, Brian said he'd cover my shift, so.. you win, I guess," Dirt joked. He sat down on the couch at Salem's feet.

"Brian?" Salem's ear twitched, intrigued. "Is this the first time you've talked to him since...." he trailed off, not wanting to say out loud that they broke up, like those were forbidden words or something.

"...Yeah... Fuck, it was..." Dirt said in realization, sighing heavily. "He seemed really chill, though. He.. actually didn't say much."

"Mm," Salem hummed in acknowledgement. "Um.. Are you feeling any better?" he asked, clearly desperate to change the subject.

"Eh," Dirt shrugged, "A little.. My headache's mostly gone."

"Good!" Salem smiled, and sat up to crawl over to Dirt. He wrapped his arms around their shoulders and nuzzled against their cheek.

"Hey, careful, dude I'm probably contagious!" Dirt warning, though he still hugged Salem.

"Oh ell oh ell don't worry. I can't catch anything you have!"

"Woah, seriously?"

"Yeah! Eye dee kay the science behind it, but yeah lawl."

"Huh. Neat.."

"Yeah :3 Which is good, because that means I don't have to try not to kiss you," Salem said, and then gave Dirt a peck on the lips.

"Heh.. Like you'd be able to resist me regardless," Dirt teased.

Salem scoffed. "Ugh! Shut up!!" he whined, playfully pushing Dirt away. "Gross!!" Dirt just laughed and put his arm around Salem's shoulders, squeezing him close. Salem's tail flicked gently against Dirt's hand as he purred quietly.

"So are you really gonna help with the rent or were you just bluffing?"

"Ugh!! Of course I'll help! What, you don't trust me or something?!" Salem whined indignantly.

Dirt chuckled. "I'm just fuckin' with you, man," he said as he ran his fingers through Salem's hair.

"I hate you," Salem growled, sinking deeper into Dirt, melting under his touch. Head scritches were his weakness.

"Y'know what, though, I'd rather be sick at home than healthy and working on Christmas Eve.. I'm okay with this, actually," Dirt admitted. "Do you wanna put your show back on?" he asked.

"Really? I thought you hated anime..."

"Meh," Dirt shrugged, "I also hate Babish, but I watch him for you."

Salem jolted, and pushed away from Dirt. "YOU HATE BABISH?????" Uh oh...

Dirt laughed nervously. "I'm sorry! Ahah!! Okay, maybe 'hate' is too strong a word, I just... don't... like him. That's all. But it's fine! I like watching his videos with you because you enjoy them so much and it's cute!" he tried to explain. Salem looked angry, but was also blushing.

"Why don't you like him? What's wrong with him?" he asked, crossing his arms. His tail was violently lashing, and his ears were flat against his head.

Dirt sighed. He'd really bungled this one... "I just..." He tried to think of a way to voice his opinion without angering Salem even more. "It's like... Ugh... It feels like he's... trying too hard?" he said carefully. He sighed again, seeing that Salem's face was unchanged. "Look, just forget I said that, okay? I really like watching him with you, I prommy!"

Salem shook his head woefully. "How dare you say prommy at a time like this...." he muttered. "I can't believe this.. I feel so betrayed..." he bemoaned.

"Agh! Dude! I'm SORRY! We just have different opinions, man! It's not a big deal!"

"I guess.." Salem said, and then unpaused the show he'd been watching. Dirt sighed and watched with him, but he had no idea what was going on and it was hard to keep up.

He never liked watching anime subs, because it was hard for him to read and watch at the same time. Lol Salem is probably a sub elitist and thinks dubs are trash, huh. Haha yeah probably. Speaking of Salem, he was obviously still stewing in his rage. His tail was still lashing, loudly striking the couch, and sometimes striking Dirt.

I get that Babish is really important to him or whatever, but jeez.. He's being so dramatic! I'll still watch his videos with him! I don't wanna keep pushing him and make him even more upset.. Dirt hesitantly placed a hand on Salem's shoulder, which made his tail lash around even faster and more violently. "C'mon, man... It's okay, I said I'll still watch 'em with you! What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing I'm not mad it's fine," Salem lied, his tail hitting Dirt in the face.

"Pftfjt," Dirt spat cat hair out, "Really? You're not mad. Your tail just whacked me in the face... on accident, then?"

"Mhmm." Salem didn't look at Dirt. He kept his gaze fixed to the tv, his arms crossed.

"Come on, Salem, you can't just pretend you're not mad. You know how obvious it is... I'm.. I'm sorry I said that, okay? I was just exaggerating! I don't really hate him!" Salem still wasn't looking at him. Dirt sighed, and took his hand away from his shoulder. "Dude, please.. Can we talk this out? Like adults?" Salem just scoffed and flopped over on his side, transforming as he fell so that it kind of looked like an illusionist's trick. His tail continued to lash about.

Okay now this is just ridiculous. "You are such a fucking child," Dirt said angrily, before storming off into his room, shutting the door behind him just a little harder than usual. He went to his weed drawer, but then stopped himself, realizing he probably shouldn't be smoking when he's sick. They still had some of those brownies left, but they were in the kitchen... Ugh... Dirt's headache was coming back.

He flopped face-down on his bed and muffled a frustrated yell into his pillow. How can he seriously act like this? It's like he's fucking 12 years old!! Does he really care so much about some foodtuber that he gets so mad at his own boyfriend for having different opinions on him? God, maybe we shouldn't even be dating. This was such a fucking mistake, wasn't it. I mean, he is a lot younger than me. I shouldn't have to put up with this shit.

Aw :( But... I mean, yeah that's fair, but Dirt loved Salem... Surely he wasn't going to break up with him over something like this? Well I dunno, I just feel like it kind of exemplifies his problems. Maybe we're not actually compatible. Maybe Salem was just having a bad day! After all, his favoritest person (Dirt) had been sleeping all day, and one of the first things they said to them was that they hate his favorite tuber...

So what? That doesn't make it okay to ignore me and pretend like nothing's wrong! That doesn't make it okay for him to refuse to communicate like he's a god damn child! Dirt's door creaked open. I thought I locked that... The jingle of Salem's bell accompanied his quiet footsteps. He got into bed with Dirt, pressing himself against them. Dirt was too exhausted to stop him, and his warmth was nice, so he was reluctant to do so anyway.

"Um.. I'm sorry...." Salem whispered. Yeah right. "I don't know why I got so mad.. I just got like, really defensive and stuff and I didn't know how to deal with it. You were right that I was being immature, and I'm sorry... I care about you more than fricken Babish.." Dirt sighed. That was kind of exactly what he wanted to hear from Salem, and he was lowkey impressed.

"It's okay," he said quietly.

"And.... I'm sorry that I'm kind of bad at this stuff.. I've barely had any real friends before, let alone a boyfriend! But I really love you and I want to be a good boyfriend, too..." Salem anxiously explained. :'D

Aww... Oh man.. Dirt rolled over onto his side so he was facing Salem, and pulled him in for a hug. "I love you too. And you are a good boyfriend. Just... It's important that we communicate with each other, yaknow?"

"I know," Salem nodded, "It's just new to me. I've never really talked to another person about my feelings before meeting you guys, so it's kinda hard sometimes..."

"I know." Dirt squeezed him tighter. "Hm.. I was starting to get another headache, but it's gone now. I think you fixed it, dude.."

"Awwwww!! Hehe!!! Good!" Salem giggled, and gave Dirt a little kiss on the nose.


The two of them went back into the living room and cuddled up on the couch again, and Salem unpaused his show. They sat mostly quiet, Salem's eyes glued to the screen and Dirt's eyes glued to Salem. Every time Salem laughed or giggled or gasped, Dirt felt like he was being healed more and more.


"Is he doing okay?" a muffled voice spoke in hushed tones on the corners of Dirt's awareness as he was in the state between sleep and wake. "It's been a long time since I've used my powers in that way..." Mitt? Powers... Damn do they actually have powers that wasn't a lie? Pretty cool...

"Yeah, he's fine! It was perfect, dude." Salem.. Are they talking about me?

"Okay, good.. Last time I made someone sick I.." Dirt's eyes shot open. For a moment, his ears rang so loud that he missed the last part of Mitt's sentence. "I didn't think I'd be doing it ever again."

"Wha's goin on?" Dirt slurred as he sat up on the couch, his blanket sliding off of him. Salem and Mittens, who were standing by the front door, both gasped, their heads turning, their faces shocked.

"You're awake!" Salem stated the obvious.

"You.. Made me sick???" Dirt frantically questioned Mitt.

"Um! I!!!" Her face was red and she looked HORRIBLY guilty.

Salem stepped in front of her. "I made her do it," he admitted, "...So that you wouldn't have to go to work on Christmas Eve..."

"What the FUCK??"

"I'M SORRY! IT'S EVIL MAGIC I NEVER WANTED TO USE IT AGAIN!" Mitt cried.

"Salem... Why would you... Wh??????" What the FUCK?????

"Ugh! I don't know, because I'm selfish and want you all to myself, okay?? And every time I beg you to stay home, you never do!" he yelled in his defense.

"What?? That doesn't even make any sense, I was asleep for most of the time because of how lousy I felt!" Dirt complained.

"That's not why!" Mitt crossed her arms. "He's too embarrassed of what a dork he is to tell you the truth."

"Huh????"

"Shut UP!!!" Salem yelled.

"He didn't want you to have to work in Christmas Eve because he knows how stressful it would be for you. He told me he wanted you to get rest, because he's worried about you," she laughed a little.

"So... So you made me SICK to do this?"

"I just gave you a lowgrade fever and a tickle in your throat and made you weak and drowsy!"

"Oh! That's all, then!" Dirt shouted sarcastically.

"I can only make people feel SYMPTOMS, I can't give you a virus or anything!"

"Well!!! That's still fucked up, you can't just make a person sick!" Dirt argued.

"I KNOW THAT!!! I HAVEN'T DONE IT IN YEARS 'TIL NOW!" she shouted back.

"Salem?" Dirt looked to him.

"I...." Salem hesitated. "Y-you said yourself that you'd rather be sick at home than healthy at work, you SAID that!!!" Dirt did in fact say that.

"Well, I guess, but! ...I..... Hm... Yeah actually.. And I guess it made it so I didn't have to lie to get out of work.." he considered.

"Yeah! See!" Salem wagged his tail.

"You're both fucking insane," Mittens said, rolling her eyes and leaving through Sarah's bedroom door.

"Maybe so," Salem muttered, despite Mitt having already left the room. "Ummm... So like, you're better now, right?" he asked Dirt.

"Um.. Yeah, I feel pretty normal now, I guess. That was pretty fucked up and evil of you, but for some reason I'm only feeling.. gracious right now, instead of mad or hurt or anything."

Salem snorted. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, honestly... Like true, I didn't wanna go to work last night. You totally saved me from that. So what if I had a little headache?" Dirt reasoned.

"Yeah! Haha!" Salem trounced over to Dirt and rested his head in their lap. They instinctually gave him pets and ear scritches.

"Maybe you can be a little fucked up and evil sometimes.. It's kinda hot..."

"Awwwww!! Baaaaabe!!!!" Salem cooed, and nuzzled against Dirt's hand. Dirt BLUSHED hard because that was the first time Salem called him babe, but Salem wasn't looking at him, so he didn't even notice.

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