back nextWhen Dirt got home Salem was standing at the door with his arms crossed, looking a little pissed. "What?" Dirt asked, taking off his jacket as he walked to his bedroom. "Are you mad because I didn't come home early? Well, the ghosts didn't get you."
"ONLY because I stayed super duper still under your bed until the sun came up!" Salem exclaimed. Dirt sighed.
"Salem, you need to stop watching spooky videos, man. They freak you out too much," he said.
"Pardon me for trying to learn more about the world," Salem sassed.
Dirt laughed, "It's not.. real information, dude. Ghosts and demons n shit are all made up!"
"Ummm no, they're not, because this one lady said that she was sleeping and a demon woke her up and stared at her and then threw her out of her bed and carved 666 into her back, so how do you explain that?" Salem said.
"Uh. She made it up."
"No, she couldn't have made it up because she was crying when she told the story!"
"She was acting."
"BUT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE VIDEO IT SAID NONE OF THEM ARE ACTORS!!!" Salem shouted.
"Salem. Calm down. Look, even if ghosts WERE real, they're not gonna hurt you. Sarah and I have lived here for like, a year and a half, and nothing supernatural has ever happened to us," Dirt promised. "You're safe here."
"But I just experienced something supernatural in here!!!!" Salem yelled, shaking Dirt around by the arm.
"What did you experience, then?" Dirt asked, crossing his arms.
"I was sitting in here, watching those videos, and I saw a light run past my eyes! And so I hid under the bed, and I took that picture I sent you, and I just hid there and I heard things moving in the room, and like there little footsteps in your closet!!" Salem rambled anxiously.
Dirt sighed. "Come here," he said, sitting on his bed. Salem sat beside him. "Sometimes, when we're alone in the dark, our brain gets bored and unstimulated, so it starts to.. make things up. The noises you heard were probably nothing. And.. the house, like, makes sounds sometimes, too. Just, the wood settling, or the pipes running, or the air conditioning turning on and off. There's nothing here that's gonna hurt you," he said seriously, looking Salem in the eyes.
Salem pouted at him, looking frustrated. "How do you know that..."
"I just do!" Dirt shrugged. "Maybe you could stay in Sarah's room when I'm gone, if it still bothers you so much," he suggested.
"Mmmmbut then I don't get a whole bed to myself...." Salem lamented.
"You love cuddling?"
"Well yeah but everyone needs to spread out every now and then, man!" Salem argued, and Dirt was glad that he didn't seem scared or upset anymore.
"Pfft... Okay, man, okay..." Dirt conceded. A moment later, there were three loud knocks on the front door, followed by the doorbell ringing. "Who could that be?" Salem was like already gone Dirt didn't even process him leaving he moved so quickly. He just heard the little jingle of his bell as he ran out to go to the door. Dirt followed behind him, at a normal pace, and saw Salem open the door. The sunlight was shining so brightly through the door that Dirt couldn't see who it was from where he'd been standing, but Salem looked shocked, throwing a hand to his mouth with a gasp.
Dirt did a gay little jog that pisses me off to get closer, and saw that it was... Divan. Fucking.... He had removed his hat, revealing his (also blue) cat ears, and was tipping it to Salem, putting it to his chest before saying, "Bonjour. My name is Divan Pomme de Terre, What might I call you, mon minou?"
Salem melted. He giggled and fanned himself with his left hand. "Oh em gee.... I'm Salem," he said, compulsively giggling.
"Salem," Divan repeated, reaching for Salem's hand. He gave him a gentle kiss on the knuckles, "Enchante."
"Hehehehe... Well, Divan," Salem said, putting the accent on Divan's name, "Please, do come in..." and he led him into the house without consulting Dirt. Dirt just shook his head and allowed it to happen, because fuck, might as well. His life was already so god damned weird. Salem closed the front door. "Come, let us have some more privacy," Salem said with a smirk as he led Divan into Dirt's room.
"Hey, that's my room!" Dirt argued.
"Um. Yes?" Salem replied.
"Pardon me, Monsieur Dirt, if I could just borrow him for a moment?" Divan asked politely. Dirt dragged his hands down his face and sighed.
"Fine," he answered. So what? So fucking what? Creepy french catboy follows me home to fuck my friend. Might as well be any other fucking day.
"Merci, good monsieur," Divan said, and did a little curtsy to Dirt, making Salem giggle, intrigued. Dirt just sat on the couch as the two catboys locked themselves in his room. It was then Dirt remembered one of the items Divan had purchased at 7-11 and sighed. Magnum fucking condoms. Thank fucking jesus Dirt always kept a pair of earbuds in his pocket. He lied down on the couch as he plugged the earbuds into his phone and blasted music in his ears. As he absently scrolled through tumblr, he noticed Salem's posts from just a bit earlier:
Even in a time of crisis, Salem still had the time to tag his posts with his talk tag. Dirt continued to aimlessly scroll through tumblr for a few minutes, before Sarah came out of her room, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and her glasses not on.
"Dirt? What the fuck is going on right now?" she asked him. He took out one of his earbuds and heard what she was asking about immediately.
"Oh my god."
"Who is that???" she asked frantically.
"It's another catboy. Don't worry, I saw him buy condoms," Dirt said. Sarah let out a miserable squeak.
"We have to evacuate," Sarah demanded, putting her hands over her ears. D:
"Oh my god. Okay," Dirt said, quickly standing up and going outside with her, following her into her car. They just sat there in silence, Sarah staring at her wheel and Dirt staring at his phone.
"I am... so sorry...." Dirt said quietly eventually.
"It's not like it's your fault," Sarah said with a nervous chuckle. "Salem can do what he wants."
"Yeah..." Dirt looked back at his phone. He'd gotten a message from Salem: "were done fucking lol just talking now :3"
"Um. He-he said they're just talking, now," Dirt informed Sarah.
"Phew. Okay," Sarah sighed, as she opened her car door.
They went back into the house, Sarah going back to her room to continue sleeping, and Dirt going to his room. He knocked on the door. "Come in!" Salem sang. Dirt opened the door and saw Salem sitting in his desk chair, and Divan was lounging on his bed, his shirt still open, and his hair down. Dirt noticed his ears were pierced, the right one having a colorful dangly earring. Neither he nor Salem said anything, and just looked at him.
"Um... What's.. up?" Dirt said awkwardly.
"What. I thought you wanted something. Why are you here?" Salem said.
"Th...This is my room!" Dirt said.
"Pardon me, but... is that a stash of cannabis my nose detects?" Divan interrupted.
"Yeah! You want some?" Salem asked.
"If it's not too much trouble," Divan replied.
"Hello???" Dirt shouted.
"Yeah you can have some too, you big baby!" Salem teased. Dirt sighed, dragging his hands down his face. He was tired. He wanted to lay in bed and rest, but there was a random guy sitting in it. He watched Salem go into the weed drawer and get out the Teen Titans lunchbox, bringing it over to the bed where Divan lied.
"Come, monsieur Dirt," Divan said, beckoning Dirt with a finger. Dirt suppressed the urge to roll his eyes and sat on the bed with the catboys. Divan sat up, and Salem handed him a joint that had already been rolled, along with a lighter. "Tell me, Dirt," Divan said, then took a hit of the joint, "What are your... how you say... pronouns?" Dirt almost snorted.
"Uh, he or they are fine," Dirt answered with an awkward nod.
"Ah.. For english, I prefer a combination he, it, and they," Divan replied as he passed the joint to Salem. Of course you have blue hair and pronouns. Lol.. Lol..
"Cool," Dirt said, and Divan did a gay little chuckle this pissed him off. Dirt was kind of still processing everything that was going on on this day, because it sure was fucking weird. Random french guy with blue hair comes into his sevlev, tells him he smells good, comes to his front door turning out to be a catboy, and then has sex with his friend and roommate in his own bedroom, presumably on his own bed! And now, they were all just smoking a fuckin' joint together! He found Divan to be extremely... annoying.
The way that it acted felt so manufactured to Dirt. Like they were playing a fictional character rather than being themself. And Dirt tried not to think about how the emotion he was feeling felt a lot like the times he'd felt jealous in his life. Because, please, that's just stupid. Salem can do whatever he wants! Just because they had sex one time didn't mean anything.
But maybe it did mean just a little something? Because of that post.. That stupid post Salem reblogged always kept popping up in Dirt's head. Whenever the rational part of his brain dismissed any feelings he had towards Salem, reminding him that Salem can't feel the same way, because he just doesn't have those same emotions, Dirt always thought about that post again. That stupid meme that ends with "he's shot 2 people" that mentions having a crush on someone was reblogged by Salem.
I know it's just a stupid post, but it still holds meaning! It... also implied Salem thinks I'm ugly, though. Which was probably the part Salem was ACTUALLY talking about when he wrote "LITERALLY ME" in the tags, not the crush part. But the way he was so embarrassed about it when I called him out for it? He's mean to me all the time, if it was JUST about calling me ugly, why would he have done such a weird and stupid lie? He's embarrassed that he has a crush on me. I guess Dirt was just going to think what he thought, and dismiss a call to reality that would save him from his heart getting crushed.
No matter what happens, my heart won't be crushed. I don't care if Salem doesn't like me romantically, I know he loves me, and I love him! That's all that's important. Wait a minute. I just realized... Could Dirt..... hear me?? Uh yeah, you're kind of in my head. Like.. actually physically hear me. Not just a vague sense of the things I say. You're the internal voice that tries to fuck me up and—why am I talking to you? Why am I having a conversation with the voice in my head right now? I mean, Dirt had 'conversations' with 'the voice in his head' all the time. He'd just never responded so absolutely to the exact thing I just said.
Haven't I? The only first I'm seeing is that suddenly I'm questioning the voice in my head?? What is even going on, god why am I even thinking this? Hey man, I'm just as confused as you are. I thought I was just the narrator, I didn't think we could actually CONVERSE. The Narrator? Oh come on. I'm not a fucking fictional character.
Haha, oh god... This was a bit much, didn't Dirt think? A bit too meta? A bit annoying? I'm ignoring you. I'm trying to get high.
Alright... Dirt decided to stop listening to whatever was going on in his head, and focused on the joint being passed to him by Salem. "Are you okay, Dirt? You're not jealous, are you?" Salem teased as Dirt took a hit.
"Jealous? Why would you say that?" he asked, trying to be cool.
"Mmmmbecause we had sex? And you're a human?" Salem's lip curled, "And I know you humans kinda tend to have like a weird complex about 'monogamy' or whatever," he air quoted.
Dirt chuckled, "Well sure, but I never saw you and me as being, like, together or anything. I didn't expect you to have, like, a commitment." Oh he was just being sooo brave about this. Even though he was truly seething with jealousy. I'm not though. Shut the FUCK up.
"Ah, you two have had sex?" Divan asked, very casually.
Dirt snorted. "I'm.. I'm sorry but when you say sex it sounds like zex," he laughed, highly. Salem laughed too, hitting Dirt on the shoulder.
"Oh em gee don't make fun of them!!!" he said through laughter.
Divan cleared his throat, "Hmhm it is alright. I do not mind when foreigners find my accent entertaining... I confess, it has scored me quite a few lovers," he smirked.
"I'm one of them ell oh ell," Salem said, and all three of them laughed. "Anywayz yeah, we did fuck," he said.
"It was both of our first time," Dirt said, laying back after passing the joint to Divan. Why did he say that? Just feelin' like sharing, I dunno.
"You're joking!" Divan exclaimed, putting the joint up to his mouth, "Why, a fine, handsome, catboy like you never took a lover before him?" Why did that sound like a dig at me??Dirt thought it sounded like a dig at him because he is self-absorbed.
"Heheheheh.... How nice of you to say," Salem giggled, "But no, I made sure of it. I am NOT getting pregnant, ell em ay oh," said Salem.
"Fair enough," Divan chuckled, passing the joint to Salem.
Oh, so it surprises him that Salem hadn't lost his virginity but not a surprise that I hadn't? I see, I see. Oh my god. Dirt needed to get over himself, I mean look at him. Even Salem thought he was ugly. Whatever.
Once the joint was finished, Dirt was quick to get Divan out of his house. He politely pushed him out, wishing them well and such, as Salem was nuzzling against it the whole way. They kissed goodbye, and Dirt felt a twinge of jealousy in his gut. It's not jealousy. I just don't care for the guy. Dirt didn't care for the guy because he was jealous of them. That's not true. It was true. He was relieved that he had Salem to himself again.
As soon as Divan was gone, Salem turned around to Dirt and said, "Hey do you wanna make edibles Babish made a video where he made a weed cake and it looked so so sooooo yummy with chocolate and I've never had an edible before and I wanna try it soooo bad please please PLEEEAAAASE!!!!" He pawed at Dirt's arm as he begged.
"Woah what the fuck? Calm down, dude! Show me the video, I guess..." Dirt said. He wasn't really a good baker, and was doubtful he could make what Salem was requesting, but he thought he'd take a look anyways.
"OKAY!!!" Salem exclaimed, jumping a foot into the air before transforming to sprint to Dirt's room in cat form, because he was much faster that way. Dirt followed him, walking normally.
As they watched the video, it was immediately clear to Dirt that there was no fucking way he'd be able to make anything like this crazy cake that Babish made... He watched the whole video anyway, chuckling along with Salem whenever a little joke was made.
"So???" Salem asked as the outro was playing, "Can we make it???"
Dirt sighed. "Look, man, this is super duper complicated... I can make, like... brownies, or cookies, or something easy like that if you wanna make edibles?" he said.
"Oh..." said Salem, looking extremely disappointed.
"Aw, man.. I'm sorry dude, I just don't have the.. babish skill! You can totally help me make some brownies or something, though! Eh?"
Salem looked at Dirt like :/ "I guess so........"
"I do wanna sleep first, though. I'm fucking exhausted, man.."
"Yeah, whatever okay... I guess I am a little sleepy as well...." Salem admitted. He closed Dirt's laptop and set it back on his desk, then got into bed with Dirt, curling up next to him. As usual, when Salem was with him in bed, Dirt fell asleep easily.