back nextThe funeral went by in a blur. The whole time, Dirt felt like he was watching himself from outside his own body, as he shook hands with family members he had never met, and answered their painful small-talk questions about girlfriends and jobs with automatic lies. During the actual service, Dirt's mind was completely static, like he was a TV whose antenna needed adjustment. They couldn't comprehend what anyone was saying or doing.
When the service was over, the precession of cars drove to the graveyard, and one of Dirt's grandpa's old cop buddies offered him a pair of pallbearing gloves, which he took without really thinking. Dirt felt like his body was moving on its own, as he helped carry the coffin, like he wasn't the one controlling himself. Like he was playing a video game of his own life and this was an unskippable cutscene that he just had to sit back and watch, and wait for it to end so he could get back to playing. And it was a fucking long-ass cutscene.
It was a cutscene that just led right into another cutscene, actually, because the reception ended up being ANOTHER cutscene. It was held in his grandpa's house, and the familiar smells of stale cigarette smoke mixed with rose incense brought nostalgia, but the kind where you feel nauseous instead of comforted. When Clay came up to Dirt with a plate of vegetables and other snacks, it was like quick-time-event when they grabbed a carrot off the plate.
All the noise in the room continued to just filter into garbled static that Dirt couldn't process, so he didn't notice when Clay asked, "You doin' alright?" and just kept staring straight ahead, chewing on his carrot. "Dude?" Clay nudged Dirt in the arm. Dirt... still wasn't responding, though. Uhhh... Dirt??
He was totally gone. He wasn't thinking anything, either. Just, completely blank. Dammit. Alright, guess it's up to me, then.
"Sorry, I was zoning out," Dirt spoke, "I'm alright. It's just overwhelming, y'know?" His tongue felt numb, like his mouth was phasing out of existence, and it felt like the words coming out weren't coming from himself. Clay nodded his head in understanding.
"Yeah, it's a lot..." he agreed. Clay rocked back and forth on his heels, not knowing what else to do or say, as he awkwardly looked around the room. "I don't know how long we're supposed to like.. stay here..." he said, "I kinda wanna leave... But mom's talking to her siblings over there." He nodded his head towards where their mom was, sitting on a couch next to her brother and sister, both of whom Dirt and Clay hardly knew. Dirt simply shrugged, because talking was too hard.
Clay said something else that just turned into empty noise like everything else before walking away, and Dirt suddenly realized he was holding the plate that Clay had been holding just a second ago. When did he hand this to me? Clay had handed the plate to Dirt just before walking away. He did?? I fully don't remember that. Yeah, Dirt wasn't exactly present at the moment. I was kind of taking over for him. This wasn't the first time this had happened in Dirt's life, but it was the first time in QUITE a while.
Dirt would probably have something to say about that if he wasn't so absent. Instead, he just thought, Huh. Okay. and then ate another carrot. Perhaps if he weren't trapped in a tiny box in the back of his mind palace, he'd think something like, 'Huh?? Taking over for me? What the hell do you mean by that?' and I'd be like, haha yeah crazy stuff, right! Haha Dirt would probably have been so annoyed by my impression of him just now if he were there.
But basically, as a fun little look into Dirt's backstory while he can't hear me, because you know I love talking about Dirt's trauma against their will, this used to happen a lot when their dad was still living with them. Dirt would retreat into the recesses of his mind and completely shut down, so I would take over for him. Take on the trauma for him, fulfill his basic needs, like eating and going to the bathroom and stuff, and impersonate him if people were demanding that he speak. Once his dad left, it became incredibly rare that Dirt would dissociate so heavily that I would have to take over.
And this funeral was the first time it's happened since... God, I don't even remember. Since they were like.. 10, maybe? Hmmm... Haha wait, no, I definitely had to come out a couple times when they were 15, too. Being 15 is the fucking worst. Anyway, back to the story.
On the car ride back to his mom's house, Dirt felt like he was starting to come back to his own body, and he was exhausted. He fell asleep with his head pressed against the window, and didn't wake up until Clay shook him awake.
Dirt awoke with a start, his heart pounding, as he realized they were already parked in the garage at home. "Oghh..." he mumbled, and then yawned as he unbuckled and dragged himself out of the car.
Though he had promised Salem he would text him after the funeral, Dirt honestly wanted to talk to Brian first, since they felt like he would probably be able to relate to what Dirt was going through more. Once he got changed back into his comfortable clothes and settled down in his old bed, he pulled out his phone and texted Brian.
4:32PM
me: just got back from the funeral
brian♥: howd it go? u doin ok?
me: it was fucked up. funerals are definitely some kind of liminal space i felt like i was barely even there
brian♥: i think i kwym.. its a weird atmosphere
me: yeah... i barely even remember what all happened i was like.. zoning out on another level. its like pieces from it are missing like i dont even have a full timeline of what happened, just non-sequential chunks of events
brian♥: sounds like u were disassociating?
me: hold on i need to look something up
me: wow yeah that describes it exactly thats exactly what happened. damn.
me: i kinda feel like that a lot but not so intensely like at the funeral
brian♥: yea i be disassociating at work alot lol and in hs it was worse
brian♥: my therapist said it had to do w my depression
me: i didnt know u went to therapy
brian♥: lol yeah til just this year when i turned 25 and stopped bein on my parents health insurance
me: damn wtf
brian♥: didnt mean to make it about me lol are u doin ok?
me: yeah im fine now
me: kinda worried about my mom tho she hasnt said anything since we left but she looked like she enjoyed talking to her brother and sister at least
me: im rlly fucking tired tho it was draining as fuck
brian♥: u should get some rest bro
brian♥: take a lil nap or smth
me: yeaaaa but my flight leaves so early tomorrow i think a nap would fuck me over
me: probably better if i just stay awake so im even more tired and can actually fall asleep
me: ive only gotten like 5 hours of sleep total while ive been here
brian♥: bro D:
me: well.. have i ever told u this before? salem... has magic powers? god that sounds so stupid lmao but he does
brian♥: bro what
me: he can make people fall asleep. like for real. i thought he was joking for a long time but its the one thing hes been consistent about when he talks about catpeople
brian♥: so all catpeople can do that?
me: no they all have different powers
brian♥: ...what
brian♥: like what
me: well one of his sisters made me sick one time
me: damn i dont think i ever told u abt that either.. when u covered for me on christmas eve i was sick because salems sister used her magic to make me sick
brian♥: what the fuck
brian♥: that sounds awful??
me: yeah no she only did it bc salem made her
brian♥: HUH???????
brian♥: dude u have got to stop saying wild ass shit with no explanation
me: lol sorry im tired.. it was a whole thing.
brian♥: why would he make u sick werent u already dating by then?? wtf???
me: yeah he did it to get me out of work it was like kinda sweet actually
brian♥: .........okay
brian♥: if ur fine w it i guess its ok but what the FUCK
me: no its definitely weird. idk i dont really think its that big of a deal i mean i just felt like shit for a few hours which im used to lol
brian♥: i mean im more fucked up about the fact that salems sister just has fuckin magical powers that can make u sick? ??
me: yeah idk
me: she also implied that their other sister has hypnosis powers
brian♥: ...
brian♥: ok
brian♥: maybe i should just stop being surprised by weird catpeople shit at this point
me: lol
me: anyways i told salem id text him after the funeral too so i should go do that
me: i love you see u tomorrow ♥♥♥
brian♥: love u too bro cant wait to see u ♥
As Dirt was switching over to discord to message Salem, there was a knock on his door. "Yeah?" he answered, indicating to whoever was behind the door that they could come in. Clay opened the door, peaking his head in.
"Hey," he said, an anxious air about him.
"What's up, man?" Dirt asked, beckoning for Clay to come in. Clay took a few steps inside and closed the door behind him. He wrung his hands nervously as he looked around Dirt's old room.
"Uh. So!" Clay clapped his hands together, "Uh, I just wanted to tell you this right now. Which maybe this is a weird time to bring it up, I mean we just back from a funeral, but I wanted to tell you yesterday but then I thought that might also be weird since we were about to go to a funeral the next day and.. I don't know maybe I was just overthinking it but, I thought it might be... ahhh.. unfortunate. For you to know and then have to attend a family gathering where everyone is referring to me incorrectly? I mean that, I thought, like, moreso for me, that it would have been more uncomfortable hearing everyone misgendering me if you were there, knowing that that is what was taking place."
Clay spoke so fast that it took Dirt a second to process what was just said. "Dude... Are you coming out to me right now?" he asked, chuckling a little.
"Yeah! I-is this a bad time? Should I have done it yesterday?" Clay stuttered, their(?) shoulders visibly tensing up.
"Nah, you're good! What uh.. Haha... you kinda skipped the actual part of it, dude. What are you coming out *as?*" Dirt asked.
"Oh yeah! A girl! I'm.. I'm a girl.. haha..." Clay said, "sh-she/her," she added. "Still Clay. My name is still Clay. But um.. Yeah that's all I need to say to you, I think, I mean you get it, right?"
"Yeah of course! I have a sister! That's awesome, dude! Oh—uh.. should I not call you dude anymore?"
"No, dude's fine, like, gender neutrally, hah!" Clay laughed. Instantly, Dirt saw a change in Clay's demeanor. Her shoulders were relaxed, for one, but also it felt like she was back to normal again. Like the whole time Dirt had been visiting, Clay was acting strange around him, like there was distance between them. But all of a sudden, things felt normal again, because Dirt finally understood what was going on.
"So that's why you've been acting so weird this whole time, huh?"
"I've been acting weird?" Clay asked with a head tilt.
Dirt shrugged, "Just, like... I dunno, you were acting different? Like, it felt like you were treating me like you hardly knew me..."
Clay went 😬 "I did?? I'm sorry, bro, I didn't even realize..." she chuckled nervously.
"It's fine, dude, I understand! It was freaking me out a little, though, I thought you were like.. mad at me or something..." Dirt admitted.
"Mad—why-why would I be mad at you?" Clay asked, almost like she was offended by this notion.
Dirt sighed and ran his hands down his face in that way that he does. "Ahhh... For bein' a shitty brother?" he laughed, "I dunno. 'Cause like, we haven't really talked to each other in almost three years?"
Clay scoffed and rolled her eyes. "That's just as much my fault, bro. I could have called or texted you, too. We both been busy, man, it's fine!"
"Heh.. Yeah, I guess so," Dirt shrugged. "We should, like.. not do that again. Like we should text each other more, after I leave. And like, you should come visit me sometime! Bring Winnie along, too!" they suggested. Clay smiled, looking off into the distance. Knowing her, Dirt guessed she was probably fixating on the logistics of a trip like that, as her smile morphed into uneasiness. "We'll figure it out later," Dirt said, trying to interrupt what he recognized as Clay beginning to spiral.
Clay shook her head as if to clear it. "Yeah. Yeah we should-we should visit you! I think that'd be nice. I mean, yeah, I would like my brother to meet the person I'm gonna marry. Y-you'll be siblings-in-law some day!" she smiled, and it was free of worry this time.
"Awww :) Yeah! Exactly! Same with you, I want you to meet my boyfriends!" Oh shit my boyfriends. I still haven't texted Salem this conversation distracted me! "Speaking of which! I told Salem I'd text him right after the funeral, and it's now been—" Dirt checked the time on their phone—"wow! An hour since we've been back!"
"Oh, shit, hah! I'll get outta your hair, then," Clay said, and then quickly absconded.
5:03PM
me: hey sorry i meant to text u as soon as i got back but i got distracted
me: r u doing okay?
salem: me?? ur the one who just back from a funeral wtf are YOU doing ok??
me: oh yeah
salem: dslkfjsd??
me: yeah no im fine. it was just weird idk. i literally didn't know anyone there except my aunt and uncle even tho a lot of other family was there that knew me so like. i was just pretending to know everyone. it kinda sucked. but im glad its over. and im glad i get to see you tomorrow holy shit ive missed you so fucking much
salem: aaahh that sounds so cringe....im sorry u had 2 go thru that ÓwÒ
salem: and i cant wait to see u too i miss u so much 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。
me: aww.. i love ur emoticons
salem: :3 I LOVE YOU
salem: WAAH i wanna just go to sleep til ur baaaaaack
me: i love you! lol u could if u wanted to
me: i wanna hear about ur day tho did u do anything today?
salem: oh i *did something* today
salem: (¬‿¬ )
me: oh???
salem: hooked up with grooly :3
me: omg?? 😳 details?
salem: haha well
[several lines omitted for being too explicit]
salem: but then it was really cringe actually because i like had a tantrum or smth bc i knew i wasnt gonna be able to cum and i just got really mad about it and i ran around the parking lot and fucked up my nails :/ so now my nails are short and its WEIRD
me: aw :( im sorry bro :(
salem: yeah but its ok cause when i went back in the room we just cuddled all sweet and i found out he has a big ol crush on me hehe! so idk were kind of in a relationship kind of but with no label were just playin it by ear u know how it is
me: aww :)
me: damn if he becomes ur boyfriend though youll have one more boyfriend than me... i gotta catch up
salem: XD
salem: yea were tied right now but im comin up behind u real fast >;3
salem: im very good at collecting gay catboy boyfriends for collection so u better watch out
me: hehehe dont worry im not letting my guard down
me: god i love you so much dude
me: youre fuckin funny
salem: TEEHEE!! I LOVE YOU!!!!! I MISS YOU!!!!!
salem: [message omitted for being too explicit]
me: 😳woah
me: haha
[several lines omitted for being too explicit]