Black Cats Bring Good Luck

snitches get stitches

Dirt stood anxiously outside Brian's apartment door, his heart pounding as he reached to ring the bell. Moments later, Brian let him inside, and they both went and sat on the couch, several feet apart.

"So... I've been thinking...." Brian started, and Dirt thought he might pass out with how lightheaded he got from anxiety. "I do miss you, man... It's been rough not talkin' to you, I'll admit. But..." But :( Brian sighed, looking away from Dirt. "I just don't think I'd be comfortable dating someone who's dating someone else." Dirt nodded sadly.

"That's totally fair..." he sighed.

"But..." But?? :O "I think I wanna try being friends again," Brian said, looking up at Dirt with hopeful eyes.

"Really?" Dirt gasped.

Brian nodded, a small smile on his face. "If that's cool."

"Yes! Yeah, dude! Thank you for.. giving me another chance," Dirt smiled, trying not to cry like a little bitch. "Um... Can we hug?"

Brian's smile widened. "Yeah, man, c'mere," he said, holding out his arms. Dirt sprung forward and wrapped his arms around Brian's neck, squeezing him tight. He sighed in relief at finally feeling his embrace again, and his scent was so comforting. "So... Wanna order some pizza?" Brian asked, pulling away from Dirt.

"YEAH!! :D" Dirt excitedly exclaimed.


Hanging out with Brian again was wonderful. The two of them were quickly back to their old banter, laughing together and having fun together like they used to. But there was still an aching in Dirt's chest, that wished they could be more. It was really like old times, like before they were ever together, when Dirt kept his feelings to himself. It was painful, but Dirt decided it wasn't as bad as losing Brian altogether.

When they were halfway through their pizza, Dirt's phone rang. It was Daisy. "Uggghhh.. I don't wanna fucking talk to her.. What's she even gonna say??"

"Then hang up, bro!" Brian exclaimed. Dirt heeded his advice and pressed the lock button on his phone, setting it back down on the table. But as he took a bite of his pizza slice, it started ringing again.

"Fuuuuuck!!!" Reluctantly, Dirt picked up the phone. "Hello?" he answered, annoyed.

"Dirt, I'm sorry," Daisy said, and her voice sounded broken, and scratchy, as if they'd been crying.

"It's a little too late for that, man. What's done is done," Dirt scowled.

"Wait!! Please, listen for a sec!" Daisy pleaded.

"Fine. But I'm kind of in the middle of something right now..."

Over the line, Dirt could hear Daisy sniffling. She'd definitely been crying. "I should never have posted those fucking videos, I never should have even RECORDED them! I'm sorry for being such an asshole about it. I took them down, okay? A-and I'm telling anyone who asks that they were fake!"

"Well... Good. But why now? Why were you being such a dick earlier, and why are you fucking crying NOW?" asked Dirt.

"I... I don't wanna talk about it right now," Daisy answered, their voice significantly quieter than before.

"What?? Are... you okay???" When Dirt asked that, Brian's eyes widened, and he leaned over, putting his ear up to the other side of the phone so he could hear, too.

"I'm just experiencing karma, okay?!? It's not like you'd care!" Daisy yelled, a sob breaking through.

"What are you talking about?? Karma? You believe in that stuff? Are you seriously apologizing because some random bad thing just happened to you?" Daisy didn't answer, and just started crying again. "Daisy..." Dirt said sympathetically.

"I don't know what to do," they cried, miserably.

"Tell me what's going on," Dirt demanded.

"I... I was at my girlfriend's house for the weekend, and when I got back, my apartment had been broken into," she said, finally.

"...What??"

"I-I don't even know how they got in! I live on the fourth floor! The window's broken, and the whole place is just trashed! I don't know what to DO, Dirt! I don't want to call the police, and if I tell my landlord, SHE'LL just call the police and I don't want to fucking deal with them!!!"

"Daisy, you have to tell your landlord... Did they take anything?" Dirt couldn't believe he was helping them right now.

"No, I don't think so... They just broke shit! I mean who would do that?? They didn't STEAL the TV, they just knocked it over and broke it!" Daisy whimpered. Oh god. Dirt thought he might know who would do that. "It was probably my stupid fucking ex... God, I knew I should've moved after we broke up..." But Daisy didn't seem to suspect him.

"Okay I..." Dirt sighed, "I don't know what you want me to do, dude. I'm sorry this happened to you, but-"

"No, I know! I know. I-I'll figure something out, I just... Wanted to apologize," she interrupted. Weird fucking logic??

"....Okay... Well, thank you for apologizing. I'm gonna go now, okay?"

"Yeah, um.. Yeah. See you later," said Daisy, before hanging up.

"Shit..." Brian said, looking at Dirt with a shocked expression. "That's fuckin' crazy, dude... What'd she do, again? What was she apologizing for?" he asked.

"Um... She.. posted videos of Salem on TikTok after we told her not to tell anyone about him... I think.. I have to go," Dirt said, standing up and grabbing his jacket.

"Woah, what? Why? Are you gonna go help her?" Brian reached out for Dirt's hand, but didn't take it.

"No... I just..." Dirt sighed, "I just need to check on something. I'll see you later, okay?"

"...Okay, man... See ya, I guess," Brian said, his voice giving away his concern.


When Dirt got home, he dropped his bike at the porch, and burst through the door, running into his room where Salem was lying, asleep. "SALEM," he yelled. Salem jumped awake with a gasp, and slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes. "You weren't attacked by fucking seagulls, you broke into Daisy's apartment!" they accused.

"Uuuugggghghhhhhhh...." Salem groaned, "She got what she deserved. And for the record, I WAS attacked by seagulls, it just wasn't that day, okay? That really did happen when I was a kid..."

"Salem, what the FUCK is wrong with you??? And why did you lie to me??" Dirt yelled, his face burning with rage.

"Because I knew you'd get mad!!! Like you are right now!!!"

"OF COURSE I'M MAD! YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK INTO PEOPLE'S FUCKING HOUSES!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, DUDE! What are we supposed to do if the police get involved, huh?? I bet you left fingerprints all over the damn place!" Dirt argued.

"So? My fingerprints aren't in the fuckin' database, dumbass," Salem retorted, "I don't even EXIST to the government!"

"Don't call me a fucking dumbass! You're the dumbass! Why would you do this???"

"You know why I did it! Don't ask stupid questions..." Salem crossed his arms, rolling his eyes. "Would you relax?? There's no way I get caught!"

"No, I won't relax! What is Daisy supposed to do?? She can't afford to replace all that shit!" yelled Dirt.

"Who cares???"

"I DO. AND YOU SHOULD, TOO! Just because she was an asshole doesn't give you the right to go and destroy her fucking property! And she apologized, by the way, and took the videos down."

"Fuckin' whoop-de-doo! Too little too fucking late," Salem sneered. "If she didn't want her shit broke, she shouldn't have broken your trust!"

Dirt growled in frustration. He didn't know what else he could say to make Salem understand. He took a deep breath, in an attempt to center himself. "Get out," he said, stern and steady, looking Salem dead in the eye.

Salem's face fell, his arms dropping to his sides. "..What?"

"You heard me. Get the fuck out of here," they repeated.

"But..." Salem whimpered, his eyes watery.

"I told you not to do stupid revenge shit, and you went behind my back and lied about it! I don't wanna fucking see you again. Get. The fuck. Out." Dirt pointed out his door.

"Baby.. Please... I-I'm sorry--"

"Don't 'Baby please' me! You don't get to apologize and make it all go away! You fucked up this time, Salem. Now leave," he demanded.

"But... Where am I supposed to go? How am I supposed to live without you guys?"

"Not my problem! Do I have to carry you outside again?"

"Dirt, please..." Salem whimpered, his bottom lip wobbling, "I love you..."

"Stop it. I can't trust you anymore. I want you gone. Now." Salem stared at Dirt, tears in his eyes, not moving. "NOW!" Dirt yelled, stomping his foot.

Without saying anything, Salem grabbed his iPod from under the pillow and left out the front door. Dirt sat down in his desk chair and put his head down on the desk, heaving a huge sigh. Fuck. He already missed Salem.

Dirt couldn't stop the tears that burst out of him as if a dam had broken. What was he supposed to do now? He'd made a mistake. I made my decision. I can't just go back on it now. He broke my trust, the same as Daisy did. AND he tried to make up a stupid story to lie about it! Yes, what Salem did was fucked up, but... But what??? I seriously cannot think of any way he could make this right. But you love him. Oh is this what you're doing now? Talking directly to me instead of being the narrator? Yeah, I guess I am.

You can't do this, man, you both need each other! I can't just forgive him! This is the worst thing he's ever done! What am I supposed to do, run outside and beg for him to come back? No, that's fucking stupid. What's done is done. This is his fault, not mine. You can't deny that you miss him, though. What are you gonna do without him? It finally felt like life was going your way! You were happy! I'll get over it. It's only been a few minutes, I just need some time. This sucks!!! Bro, you didn't even cry like this when Brian broke up with you, this is like a new level of pain we're feeling right now.

We? Yeah, dude, fuck! I'm in pain, too! Look, what Salem did was impulsive, and stupid, and dangerous, but he wasn't just doing it for himself. He was also doing it for you. No he wasn't. Yes he was! He said, "If she didn't want her shit broke, she shouldn't have broken your trust!" Oh fucking whatever. Does it really matter? He said all of that while having just broken my fucking trust. That means nothing. :(

It can't just end like this. What about Sarah? She'll be mad that you kicked Salem out. Not when I tell her what happened! Let's go talk to her, right now! Let's? Shut up. Dirt walked over to Sarah's room and gently knocked on the door. "Come in!" When he stepped inside, Dirt noticed that Sarah was looking a bit worried already. "Is everything okay? I heard yelling..."

"He..." Dirt couldn't finish his sentence. Instead, he fell to his knees and broke down into violent sobs. Sarah gasped and kneeled down with him, rubbing his back. "Fuck. I'm sorry..."

"It's okay," said Sarah softly. "What happened? ..Take your time..."

After catching his breath, Dirt finally spoke again, "Salem... broke into Daisy's house." Sarah gasped. "He broke her TV and trashed the whole place. So I... told him to leave...."

"What?!?" Sarah shouted. "You kicked him out??" Dirt nodded, biting his lip to try and stop himself from crying.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. "What else was I supposed to do?" he whimpered pathetically, "He broke my trust and lied to me, Sarah. I told him not to get revenge, and he went behind my back and did it anyway, and when he came back, he lied about it! He said he was all banged up because he was 'attacked by seagulls.' And he wouldn't even listen to me! Like, he doesn't understand why what he did was wrong!"

Sarah stared at Dirt silently, not knowing what to do or say, either. "Maybe... If I talked to him? No offense, but you're not very good at being sensitive..."

"Well, sorry, but I didn't really feel like he deserved sensitivity when he just like, ruined someone's fucking life." Dirt started crying again.

Sarah sighed. "I'm gonna go talk to him." She got up and went out the front door, leaving Dirt crying on his knees.

I don't know what to do. As much as this hurts, I really feel like I just can't forgive him. Things can't just be normal after this. How am I supposed to live with this? How am I supposed to face Daisy after this? Man, Daisy didn't do any physical damage, but she did lie to your face and break your trust, same as Salem. Do you forgive her just because of what happened? No! I don't, actually! They only apologized because they think karma is happening to them or some shit. They still don't actually think what they did was wrong. Yeah, and if Salem hadn't done anything, those videos would still be up and gaining traction.

Are you trying to say what he did was a good thing? Not necessarily, but it worked, didn't it? THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY! I'm not saying it does! I'm just saying, it's all over, now. Daisy thinks her ex did it, Salem can't be traced through fingerprints or DNA... I bet Sarah will be able to convince him that what he did was wrong, and we'll get a genuine apology out of him! You have to remember that Salem's not human. He wasn't really taught human morals. You've gotta give him room to learn. He still lied to me about it! Says the big fat liar that lies all the time. OUT OF NECESSITY. Yes, it was SO necessary to tell your family that you're taking classes at the community college. SO VERY NECESSARY to tell your mother that you have a long distance girlfriend!

That's different. You can't even compare that shit to what Salem did. Salem lied for the same reason you do. To protect the feelings of the people you care about. To make them happy. To appease them. No, it's different with family. Salem and I are supposed to be honest with each other. I've never lied to him. Uhhhh you wanna rethink that one, buddy? Oh.... Yeah. Oh. Shit....

"He's not outside," Sarah said frantically as she ran back inside.

"What?"

"I can't find him!" she shouted anxiously.

"Shit. Fuck.. Sarah, I'm sorry, I fucked up. I shouldn't have kicked him out..." Dirt said as he stood up.

"Oh god," Sarah whimpered, tears forming in her eyes, "Where would he go? Oh god, I hope he's okay... Ohh..."

"Hey, it's okay! We'll find him," Dirt promised, putting a hand on Sarah's shoulder. Sarah nodded weakly as she wiped the tears from her eyes.


"SALEM!!!!" Dirt yelled as he walked down the sidewalk, clanging a metal fork against an open can of tuna.

"SAAAALEM!!!!" Sarah called, "PLEASE COME BACK! WE HAVE TUNA FOR YOU!"

The two of them walked around the nearby neighborhoods for an hour, calling out for Salem and asking passersby if they'd seen him, all of which said that they hadn't.

"What if he never comes back?" Sarah worried, "What if we never find him?"

"Don't say that," Dirt said with a sigh.

Suddenly, Sarah gasped, and stopped in her tracks. "What? What is it?" Dirt asked frantically.

"I bet he went to Mitt!" she exclaimed.

"Shit, you're right! Fuck, why didn't I think of that??"

"Let's go!!!!" Sarah yelled, running back towards the house.


Sarah never went above five miles over the speed limit when she drove, so seeing her going 50 in a 35 had Dirt holding onto the ceiling handle for dear life. She screeched to stop outside of Jameson's house, which was... huge. But there was no time to think about how enormous this place was! Dirt and Sarah both jogged up to the front door, and Sarah went crazy knocking and ringing the doorbell while Dirt stood there awkwardly with his hands in his hoodies pockets.

A very peeved Mittens answered the door, crossing her arms and tapping her foot impatiently, squinting at Dirt. "Is Salem here???" Sarah asked distraughtly.

"Yes. You may come in, Sarah," Mitt nodded to her, and Sarah ran inside. Dirt tried to follow, but was stopped. "You." Mitt got very close to him, poking him violently in the chest. "You've got a lot of nerve showing up here," she hissed.

Dirt put his hands up in surrender. "I know... I'm sorry, okay? I want to apologize to him."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, buster! I've never even seen my brother so upset before! If you think you can just come crawling back—"

"BABY!!!" Salem ran past Mittens, and jumped into Dirt's arms, almost knocking them over. But Dirt caught him, and squeezed him tight.

"BUTTERCUP! NO!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MAD AT HIM!" Mitt shouted. Salem ignored her, and stayed there, clinging to Dirt.

"I'm so sorry, Salem. I shouldn't have yelled at you and kicked you out. I don't know what I'd do without you, I love you so much," Dirt apologized.

Salem looked at him with tears streaming down his face. "What?? No! I'm the one who should be apologizing! I went behind your back! I lied to you! I'm sorry!!"

"I fucking hate you guys," Mittens said, heading back inside. Sarah came back outside, and joined the little hug thing they had going on, wrapping her arms around both Salem and Dirt.

"You gotta stop scaring me, bubba!" Sarah said quietly before giving Salem a bunch of kisses all over his head and face.

"Ooohh, I'm sorry, Sarah!" Salem jumped down, out of Dirt's grasp, and turned around to face Sarah. "I should have told you where I was going!" He hugged her, burying his face in her chest.

"It's okay, sweetie," she cooed, hugging and petting him. "Let's go home, okay? And we can all talk about this together."

"Okay," Salem agreed, and the three of them walked back to Sarah's poorly parked car.


When they got back home, they all sat in a circle on Sarah's bed to talk. Well, mostly for Dirt and Salem to talk, and for Sarah to mediate.

"I'm sorry I broke into your co-worker's apartment and then lied about it... You were right, revenge is stupid.. It was dangerous and I got hurt and... I broke your trust, which was exactly what I was mad at Daisy for doing," Salem apologized, only glancing up at Dirt periodically, unable to maintain eye contact.

"It's.. Well, it's not okay, but, I accept your apology. I'm sorry for kicking you out. It was probably the stupidest thing I've ever done on impulse. You didn't deserve that." Dirt took Salem's hand and squeezed it, stroking his knuckles with their thumb. "After five seconds without you, I already started to regret it," he laughed embarrassedly, "I love you so fucking much, Salem."

"Awwwwww!" Salem and Sarah cooed simultaneously. Dirt blushed.

"But... What about Daisy?" Dirt frowned, "I still feel bad, like... she sounded so.. broken when she called me..." Salem looked down at his lap sadly. "She thought it was her ex that did it," he added.

"Well, then, there you go!" said Sarah. Dirt and Salem both looked at her in shock. "..What?! Why are you looking at me like that?"

"YOU'RE okay with this???" Dirt asked incredulously.

Sarah did a big, exaggerated shrug. "I dunno!!!! Snitches get stitches!"

"SARAH!" Salem gasped, "WHO ARE YOU???" Sarah just giggled innocently.

"Her TikToks made me feel a rage like I'd never felt before!" she said, WAY too cheerily, "Honestly, I was with Salem on filling her car with snakes." Dirt and Salem both stared at her, their jaws on the floor. "They just acted so fuckin' cocky about it! It just pissed me off! It wasn't their information to share!!!" she explained.

"Wow... Okay.....?" Dirt droned, unsure what to think about... that.

Salem burst out laughing, "AHAHA HAHAHAHA AHHA AAAHHH OOOHH Sarah! Oh wow. I love you, Sarah!"

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