back next"So... Salem seems to be under the impression that catpeople can't fall in love," Dirt said, trying to be casual. He and Sarah were working together to make a nice dinner for everyone. "What do you think? You think Mitt is really in love with James?"
Sarah shrugged. "I dunno! I don't know why she'd pretend to be, though, that seems weird. Considering ze was already taking care of her for several years without the romance part! Maybe Salem is just aro and thinks everyone of his species must feel that way. I get that," she chuckled as she diced an onion. "I thought everyone was just joking about liking sex until I was 20."
"Hm. Yeah. Maybe," Dirt said as he stared into the pan of meat he was browning.
"Why do you..... bring this up.....?" Sarah asked suspiciously. Dirt was unphased, though.
He shrugged. "I dunno. Was just thinkin' about it, I guess.."
Salem suddenly came running into the room. "I smell good good things!!!!" he said excitedly.
Sarah giggled. "We're making your favorite!"
"TACOS?!?!?! OOOHH!!! OH SARAH I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!" Salem hollered, running over to Sarah and hugging her torso, nuzzling his face into her back.
"Hehe!! Be careful I'm holding a knife!!!" Salem, instead of following her instructions, shook her chaotically while evilly giggling. "GAH!" she yelped.
Everyone built their own tacos and sat down at the small dining table together. Salem was crouching with his feet on the chair, hunched over the table. Sarah sat criss-cross on her chair, and Dirt sat "normally."
With his first bite, Salem purred, "mmMMmMMm!!!! Saraaaah, thank you so much for making these!!!"
"I helped make them!" Dirt indignantly declared, "I made the meat part!!!"
"I don't talk to you," Salem hissed, putting his hand up like a gay little bitch.
Dirt rolled his eyes, and started eating his tacos. With a knife and fork. "You're gonna have to talk to me eventually."
"Sarah, did you say something? I thought I heard someone talking." Sarah chortled.
"Look, Salem, I'm sorry, okay? Is that what you wanna hear?" snapped Dirt.
"Yes!!!! Jesus fucking christ, dude! Do you really not fucking understand why I'm so mad at you??? You lied to me! I thought I could trust you, and you tricked me! How do you not realize how fucked up that is????" Salem snarled. Sarah got very quiet and sat back in her chair, putting her hands in her lap and watching silently.
"You tried to have me fucking castrated without me knowing!!! I'm not like a regular cat, Dirt! You can't just DO that to a PERSON!!! I have fucking feelings!!!!" Salem cried. Oh fuck. Yeah, that was pretty fucking bad, man.
"...I guess I wasn't seeing it that way," Dirt muttered, "I'm sorry, Salem." Sarah gasped quietly from the sidelines.
"You 'weren't seeing it that way,'" Salem mocked, "So how were you seeing it, then?" he asked angrily.
"I..... I guess I was still seeing you too much like a regular cat. But I think I get it, now. So... I'm sorry." Dirt couldn't make eye contact while he apologized. He looked everywhere except at Salem as he spoke.
Salem huffed angrily. He took his plate and scampered off into Dirt's room, slamming the door behind him. "Wh..Why'd he go in my room?" Dirt anxiously asked Sarah. She just shrugged and took a bite of her taco.
Dirt quickly shoveled the rest of his taco in his mouth, and then ran to his bedroom. Cat form Salem sprinted out past him as soon as he opened the door. "What—" Dirt whipped around, but Salem was already out of his sight. When he stepped into his room, he was immediately hit with the cat piss smell. "No..." His bed. There was a wet spot. "NO!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, SALEM!" Dirt bellowed with genuine grief. Quickly, while in a rage, he ripped all the sheets and blankets off of his bed and ran with his arms full to the laundry machine. He dumped in more detergent than necessary, worried the smell would stick around if he didn't, based on previous experience. Cat piss is THE worst fucking smell in the world and it is nearly impossibly to entirely rid it from fabrics.
"HE PISSED ON MY BED, SARAH!" Dirt yelled.
"Oh god..." Sarah was putting her empty plate in the dishwasher.
Dirt closed the lid of the washing machine with a sigh, resting his hands on the top of it. "I deserve it, don't I..." Sarah didn't say anything. "You haven't even said anything," said Dirt, "I just realized that. You haven't really given your opinion on any of this the whole time."
"Umm... Well..." Sarah wrung her hands, "I...... guess I'm on Salem's side, but I didn't really want to confront you about it because you seemed so... Hm.. So determined, I guess. Determined that you were in the right."
Dirt dragged his hands down his face. "Ew. I shouldn't have done that I haven't washed my hands." Sarah laughed dryly.
After re-making his bed, Dirt went out into the living room to see cat Salem curled up into a very small circle in the corner of the couch. Dirt quietly sat down next to him, and scratched him behind his ears. Salem didn't react. For a while, Dirt just sat there, quietly petting him in a very peaceful and serene moment. "I know I really fucked up," Dirt said, just above a whisper, an ASMR voice if you will, "...If there's anything I can do to make it up to you..." Salem transformed.
"Anything?" he asked.
"Well. I..."
"I want your balls."
"WHAT?!?!?!"
"You tried to take mine, so now I'll take yours!" Salem deadpanned.
"Are. Are you serious? That's not an equal exchange at ALL, I didn't actually go through with it! You're still intact!!! Why would you get to—"
"You said anything.... This would make it up to me," Salem insisted.
"You.... I..... You're really serious, aren't you?"
"As a heart attack."
Fucking... "You know what? Fine!" What. Uhhh.. "It's not like I was planning on having kids anyways, what's the big deal!" Dude... Dirt, dude... Was..... was Dirt SURE about the answer he was giving??? Who gives a shit? Why the fuck not? Just give him what he wants!
"Really?" Salem said, perking up.
"Yeah! Fuck it!!!!!" Dirt shouted, throwing his hands in the air.
"Dirt...." Salem put his hands up, covering his mouth. Then, unable to keep it together any longer, he let out a loud snort and wheezing laugh.
"Wh???"
"DUDE... I'M TOTALLY FUCKING WITH YOU... WERE YOU ACTUALLY GONNA— OH MY FUCKING GOD...." Salem cackled.
"WH. WELL. YOU.. It's not my fault that sounds like some shit you'd pull!" Dirt argued. Salem was unable to control his laughter.
"FUCK!!! OW! MY STOMACH HURTS FROM LAUGHING, OH MY GOD! Aaahh... Wow... that's great," Salem sighed, wiping a tear from his eye. "Oh, man... Alright, alright, I forgive you. You must really like me if you were willing to hand over your fucking reproductive organs just to win me back," he teased, rubbing his cheek against Dirt's shoulder.
"Shut up," Dirt laughed embarrassedly as he put an arm around Salem, squeezing him and rubbing his shoulder.