back nextIt was Dirt's day off, and despite planning to spend the whole time sleeping, his cringe brain decided otherwise. He lied awake in his bed for several hours, trying and failing to get comfortable, kicking his legs around in frustration. After lying face down trying to hypnotize himself into falling asleep for 30 minutes, he heard the jingle of a bell approaching his room, then his door opening.
Sarah had decided to get Salem a collar with a bell on it, because he did have a habit of sneaking up on them, to the point where, on more than one occasion, something was dropped on the floor from someone being so startled by a little catboy saying hello right into their ear when they hadn't even heard him approaching.
Salem hopped into Dirt's bed and squeezed in beside him. "What'chy'a doin?" Salem asked, directly into Dirt's ear.
"I'm trying to sleep," he replied coldly.
"I'm bored," Salem said.
"So go bother Sarah."
"Mmmm she got boring... Typing and typing... It wasn't even interesting I didn't understand what any of it said," Salem bemoaned.
"Well I'm trying to sleep, it's my day off. Go find something to do."
"But there is nothing to do! Diiiiiiiiirt..... Plaaaayyy with meeeeee!!!!!" Salem begged, shaking Dirt by the shoulder. Dirt tried to ignore him, but he just kept whining 'play with me' as he pushed on their shoulder over and over again.
Dirt got fed up, and ripped the covers off of him. He got out of bed and picked up Salem. "SHEESH you're getting heavy!"
"NONONONONONONO WAIT WAIT WAIT DON'T DO THIS!!!!" Salem yowled. Dirt ignored his cries and lifted him over his shoulder. As he started walking to the door, Salem scratched up Dirt's back. "PLEEEEAAAASE!!!! I won't bother you anymore I prommy!!! Please don't lock me out, Dirt pleeeeeaaaase!!!!"
"Ugh!" Dirt scoffed, setting Salem back down. "You won't bother me? You promise? You'll let me sleep?"
"Yes!!!!! I'll sleep too! I just don't like being alone..." God dammit. Why did this little fucker have to be so god damn cute all the time.
"Fine." Dirt slumped back into bed, as Salem followed excitedly, jumping into his bed and rolling around. He draped half his body over Dirt's torso to get comfy. Dirt didn't mind. The pressure was nice. Soothing, even. Helpful to his slumber, even...
When he woke up, Dirt felt fully rested, but something was amiss... There was a distinct weed smell wafting into his room.. Sarah didn't smoke weed.
Dirt was INSTANTLY fully awake, and bursted out of his room to see Salem sitting on the couch, casually smoking a joint. "What the FUCK?" he yelled.
"Hey man. This is good stuff," Salem said with a wink, taking another drag.
"DUDE! THAT'S MY WEED! HOW DID YOU EVEN— WHAT???" Dirt screamed, flipping the fuck out.
"Yooo chill out dude! ....Quieres?" Salem asked, offering Dirt his joint. Dirt squinted at him. That wasn't a preroll, and they didn't have any joints lying around, like Salem rolled that shit himself. It looked solid, too, like it couldn't have been his first time. He reluctantly accepted the joint and took a hit.
"How did you even know to... How do you...??? What the fuck????" Dirt said again, passing the joint back to Salem. Salem shrugged. "It seemed obvious, I guess," he replied. Dirt laughed in surprise. What the fuck? At that moment, Sarah came in the room.
"Dirt! You let him smoke weed???" she said accusatorily.
"No!!! He did this himself! I just woke up, I swear!!!" Dirt defended. Sarah looked at Salem with her arms crossed.
"It's true, Sarah, I am just really smart and sexy and cool... Man.... is it spinning in here or is it just me?" Salem said with a weirdly seductive tone.
"You're high," Dirt stated bluntly. Lol.... blunt.
"Salem, weed is NOT good for cats!! And you shouldn't smoke, it's bad for your lungs, baby!" Sarah said, walking over to Salem and taking the joint from him, putting it out in Dirt's pokeball painted ashtray that his brother made for him in pottery class.
"Hey I was smoking that!" Salem whined.
"How about I get you some catnip! That's like weed for cats!" Sarah said with a smile, petting Salem on the head. Salem rolled his eyes.
"It is NOT the same thing... Catnip just makes cats horny..." he said, crossing his arms, looking pissed.
"Whaaaat!!! No way, it makes you happy and chill! Like weed does for humans!" Sarah said, despite not being a cat herself and not possibly being able to know this firsthand like Salem did. Salem just stared at her.
"Well weed is expensive, dude. And catnip isn't. So...." Dirt said with :/ Salem glared at them both, as he reached to the ashtray and grabbed the joint and the lighter that was on the table, lighting it again and taking another hit. Dirt and Sarah just looked at each other like D:
Salem started having a coughing fit, then, and Sarah gasped and ran to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. "THIS—*coughcough*— DOESN'T PROOVE—*cough*—ANYTHING!!!" he yelled through his coughing and gasping.
"Here," Sarah said sweetly, handing Salem a glass of ice water. Holding back his coughs, Salem pathetically accepted the water and took little sips. At the same time, Dirt took the joint from him and put it out again. "I'll order some catnip for you right now, okay buddy?" Sarah cheered.
"Great, yeah! I'll just roll in that and be super horny, I guess! Wheeee!!!!" Salem said, angrily sarcastic. Sarah ignored him, and left the room. Salem muttered, mostly to himself, "You guys don't even know... You wanna deal with a horny catboy? Fine! But don't blame me when I start screaming and the neighborhood cats come scratchin' at the door!"
"What are you talking about?" Dirt asked.
"Oh.. you naive little slut..." Salem said with a facetious pout, "You've never seen what happens when a cat goes into heat, have you?" Dirt shook his head with a confused/pissed off expression. "Well... It's only a matter of time.. Catnip notwithstanding, it is mating season, yaknow," he said smugly, as he lied down on the couch and closed his eyes for a nap.
"Wh-....." Dirt ran to his bedroom and violently opened his laptop, feverishly typing into the search bar of his browser: what happens when cats go into heat??
'Will become super affectionate, rubbing herself on furniture, corners of walls, her favorite people... Yowling and calling, trying to escape to find a male mate...' Oh god.. 'Might spray strong-smelling urine onto the walls and furniture...' Oh jesus... 'The best course of action is to have your cat spayed.'
How could Dirt even go about that? He'd have to be sure Salem would stay in cat form on the way and in the vet, which he definitely wouldn't. What would he say? "Hey Salem get into this cage and get in the car with me just for funsies and also keep your eyes closed because it's a surprise!" ??? No fucking way he'd fall for that, he was way too clever...
The next time he was at work, he had a shift with Amber. Dirt had to work the register for the whole time, cause if he didn't, Amber might accidentally ring someone up for $100 more than she's supposed to again, on account of her being super fucking high. But Dirt didn't mind. She's pretty fun to hang out with, so work didn't have to be a miserable experience for him.
"Hey, you've had cats, right?" Dirt asked.
"Yeeeep! I've got two right now! Why? Got questions? Need advice?" Amber said with a smirk, "I'd be DELIGHTED to advise you on Salem."
"Yeah.. Are your cats fixed?"
"Yes, of course. Did you not get Salem neutered?? Isn't he like three? Dude, he should've been neutered a long time ago! You gotta get on that!" Amber urged.
"Right, I know, I just... I don't know how to get him to the vet, like... He's a REALLY smart cat..." Dirt sighed.
"Well.. You either gotta do it, or just hope no girl cats in the area go into heat, or he'll be clawin' at the door and screamin' to get out all day long! God, and he'll SPRAY, that's the worst part..." she warned. Again, Dirt sighed.
"Do you know if there's any, like... sedatives.. I could give him? Like, so he wouldn't know what's going on, or even to knock him out so I could get him there maybe?" Dirt asked her. Amber stared at him like he had three heads.
"...Jesus.. he's THAT bad?" she chuckled.
"Heh.. yeah....."
"Y'know, maybe I could help you? It'd probably be easier to handle him with two sets of hands, yeah?" Amber offered graciously.
"Oh... Hmmm...." Dirt thought for a moment. If Amber was there, maybe Salem would stay in cat form as to not reveal himself to another human, and he could successfully get him to the vet! "You know? I might just take you up on that offer!"
"Sick! Just gimme a call when you need me and I'm there!" Amber exclaimed, giving Dirt a hearty pat on the back.
"Salem.. C'mere, I wanna talk to you," Dirt said when he got home from work. Salem got up from where he was sleeping on the floor and sat next to Dirt on the couch. "So, listen.. We need to get you vaccinated." Salem stared at him with his big round eyes. "...Which means we'll have to take you to the vet..."
"WHAT??? NO!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!! I'LL JUST STAY IN HUMAN FORM AND—"
"Salem Salem!! Listen!! It's really important that you get your vaccinations, buddy! If you don't, you could get really really sick, and, like, to the point where we wouldn't be able to do anything about it, and you might die! It's just a few shots, and then you'll be safe, okay?" Dirt said, giving Salem a scratch behind the ears.
Salem went 😔. "Okay...... I guess so......." Dirt smiled.
"Good. I'll call and make your appointment when they open. Thanks for being so understanding, buddy," Dirt said, and gave Salem a kiss on the forehead before heading to his bedroom to try and get some sleep.
11:50AM
me: salem's appt is tomorrow at 8am
amber: siiiiick letz do thissss 🤘🤘
me: oh and.... maybe dont mention what the appt is for in front of him
me: for all he knows hes just getting some vaccines ;)
amber: lmaaaoooo okay?? XD
Dirt changed the passcode on his phone and kept it under him while he slept.