back next"I can't deal with you when you're like this," Salem scoffed, turning away from Dirt and bounding towards Sarah's room. Dirt tried to call out to him, but it was as if his mouth had been sewn shut. He was having trouble keeping his eyes open, having trouble staying on his feet.
When Dirt fell, the floor started to crumble beneath him. He quickly backed away from the deterioration, trying to find solid ground, when he bumped into the sturdy trunk of a large oak tree. He tried to catch his breath, his heart pounding, but the brush beside him was rustling. He tried to stand, but he was too weak and tired, so he crawled towards it to investigate.
The angry growling of a cat came out of the bushes, but instead of backing away, Dirt continued forward. Desperately trying not to fall asleep, he dug through the bush with his hands until he found what was making the noise. Just a stuffed animal. Now that he could hear it up close, it wasn't actually a very realistic growling sound. The voice box was clearly very old and worn down.
Dirt fell onto his back on the forest floor, and closed his eyes, intending to rest for only a moment. When he opened his eyes again, he was in a large building with fluorescent lights shining into his eyes. He groaned in pain as his eyes stung from the sudden brightness, and pushed himself off the floor and to his feet. He was in a grocery store, one that sells things in bulk and is always extremely overwhelming.
Two young catboys, maybe about 10 years old, rushed by him with shopping carts. They circled him, riding the carts as if they were razor scooters or something. The catboys laughed as Dirt fell to the ground again, the momentum of the shopping carts knocking him over.
They abandoned their carts and stood over Dirt. Both of them had hair covering their eyes, hair that appeared to have patterned coloration, like cat fur. One was an orange tabby, and the other was tortoiseshell. They both laughed at Dirt, who was stuck there on the floor, scared out of his mind. Until a woman called from a few yards away, "BOYS!"
Both the catboys startled and ran over to the woman, out of Dirt's sight, as she scolded them harshly. As he caught his breath, he heard her saying, "You go apologize to that boy right now!"
The boys reappeared, but now they both wore ballcaps that covered their ears, and their tails were no longer visible. "We're sorry..." said the orange-haired one, with his hands behind his back. The other one put his hand out to help Dirt up, and when Dirt reached out, he saw that his hand didn't look like his own. Well, it did, but it wasn't the right age. He was much younger. When he stood up, he was only a couple inches taller than the two boys in front of him.
"Um... It's okay..." Dirt mumbled, his voice prepubescent, his cheeks heating up in embarrassment. The boys ran away again, and Dirt was alone. He'd gotten lost and was looking for... someone. But he wasn't sure who. He walked aimlessly around the store, looking around at the shelves that stood over him, a pit of anxiety forming in his chest. His eyes filled with tears.
And then he woke up, his heart pounding. "Jesus..." he whispered, as he slipped his blindfold off his face. Salem was still fast asleep by his side, all curled up and snoring softly. Dirt sighed and kissed him on his head between his ears.
"Bwuh?" Salem mumbled as he startled awake, looking up at Dirt.
"Nothin'. Just had a weird dream," Dirt said quietly.
"Mm.. Wha happen?" Salem asked groggily.
"Aw jeez... Where to start.." Dirt stared at the ceiling, trying to recall the dream. "Well... there was this one part where I was like 13 or something and I was in a huge grocery store, and these two little boys that were like 9 or 10 were like.. bullying me? Like riding around on grocery carts and they knocked me over. Oh, and they were catboys! And at first I could see their ears and stuff, but then their like mom yelled at them for being mean to me, and when they came back they had hats on."
"What the fuck..." Salem was barely awake.
Dirt chuckled. Salem looked so adorable in that moment. All sleepy and warm, curled up under their arm. "Yeah, I dunno.. It was weird," they said. "And before that, I was here at home, and I think you were mad at me? You were like, 'Uggh you're terrible,' or something and then went into Sarah's room and I, like, couldn't say anything. Like I was trying to talk, but I couldn't for some reason." Dirt sighed. "Hah.. Probably my fear of you hating me coming out through my subconscious..."
Salem tilted his head. "You're afraid I'm gonna hate you?" he asked with a sad little look on his face. Dirt smiled and squeezed Salem's shoulder. "Tch. I'm afraid everyone hates me, man. It's just subconscious shit, yaknow?"
"Mm.." Salem crawled up to Dirt's face, wrapping his arms around their neck. "Well um.. I love you," he said quietly, right into Dirt's ear, before giving him a kiss on the cheek. Dirt hugged him back, and all the residual anxiety he'd been feeling from his dream melted away.
As he ran his fingers through Salem's hair, and felt the gentle vibration of his purring, Dirt knew everything was gonna be okay. For an hour, they stayed like that. Salem purring into the crook of Dirt's neck as they stroked his back. The gentle pressure of Salem laying on him relaxed him, and he felt like... like he finally had a purpose in his life. And it was Salem.
After a good long cuddle sesh, Dirt and Salem went out to the kitchen together. Dirt prepared his usual breakfast for himself, and Salem cracked open a can of tuna, eating it with a fork straight out of the can as the two sat on the couch together.
"Hey," Salem started talking through a mouthful of tuna, "You talk to Brian? About not telling anyone else?" he asked. Dirt tensed up. He set his plate on the coffee table and slumped back in his seat. "Uh... yeah."
"And??"
"Uh, he said he told Christie, uh, his ex-girlfriend.. and our shift manager."
"HE TOLD THREE PEOPLE???" Salem exclaimed, horrified.
"Wha-? No, no, no that's.. that's the same person. Christie. I was just like. Telling you who she was. She's our shift manager and also Brian's ex," Dirt calmly explained.
"Oh. Lawl. Damn Brian's working with TWO of his exes now???"
Dirt chuckled dryly. "Yeah, I know.. Him and Christie are still really close, though. I mean, obviously. He... told her about you," he said nervously. "But I told him to tell her not to tell anyone else." Dirt balled up his fists as his chest swelled painfully. When he thought about Brian for too long, he'd start to feel his throat closing up, his eyes start to water. He took a shuttering breath and closed his eyes, trying to make the feeling go away. Just think about something else. Change the subject.
But it was fruitless. Dirt kept thinking about their last conversation. Kept thinking about how Brian had said he still loved them. Fuck.
"Baby?" Salem said gently, leaning against Dirt. "What's wrong?"
Dirt sighed shakily. "Sorry. Nothing. I'm fine," he lied.
Salem's face scrunched up in frustration. "No you're not!!!" he shouted, exasperated, slamming his hand on Dirt's leg. "You know I can tell!!! Why don't you just tell me what's wrong??"
"Don't yell at me," Dirt huffed.
"I'm not yelling!" Salem yelled, "Why do you always do this?" he whined.
"Do what??" Now Dirt's hackles were raised. He leaned away from Salem, putting some distance between them.
"Whenever you're upset, you always say you're fine even though you KNOW I know you're not! Why don't you just fucking tell me what's wrong???"
"Because! I don't! Want to!" Dirt shot back. "And you're such a hypocrite, you do the same fucking thing."
"I do not??? I ALWAYS tell you when I'm upset!" Salem argued.
"No, you fucking do not. Are you kidding?" Dirt almost laughed. "I've had to pry to get you to tell me why you were upset SO MANY times."
"Well, I mean I told you that I was upset, though! I just didn't want to talk about why! But I don't lie and say I'm fine when I'm not, that's fucking annoying!!!"
"Oh, that is SUCH bullshit," Dirt rolled his eyes, "You have abso-fucking-lutely done the 'I'm fine' routine. You can be SUCH a passive-aggressive asshole."
"WHEN HAVE I DONE THAT???" Salem demanded.
"I-I don't know! I can't think of a specific time right now, when you're fucking yelling at me, but I KNOW you've done it before." Dirt crossed his arms.
Salem growled in frustration, falling onto his back and putting his hands over his face. "Fucking. Okay. If I have done that, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again. I just. Want to know what's bugging you so that maybe I could try to fucking help you, or at least comfort you about it, dude! I just fucking care about you!!!" he explained, haughtily.
Brian and I never argued like this. Dirt and Brian didn't even date for that long. He'd already been with Salem for longer than he'd been with Brian. Yeah, but I've known Brian for longer, and we were close friends and we almost always got along! He knew when to back off if I was upset and didn't wanna talk about it. Maybe it was never healthy for Dirt to bottle up their emotions like that, though. Maybe he ought to have sought help from Brian, or any of his friends, for that matter. Maybe it was a good thing that Salem was trying to push him on this.
I've always been fine dealing with my emotions myself. ......Had he? Had he really? Fuck you. No, fuck YOU! Dirt has ALWAYS been bad at dealing with their emotions! They just fucking sit and wallow and agonize over their problems! That's not really DEALING with them, bro. Well maybe I like it that way. I'm fine like this.
He was not fine like this. He was in pain. He had lost his closest friend, a man he was IN LOVE WITH, and in a way that he felt was ridiculous and unfair! Of COURSE he was having a rough fucking time. But it doesn't matter! I need to just get over him, because I'm never getting him back. It's fucking pointless to keep feeling so much pain over this. I have to move on.
Dirt sighed, breaking the long silence that had been hanging over the room as he fought with the voice in his head while Salem sat there, stewing. "It's just..." he dragged his hands down his face and slumped further down, to the point where he was almost falling off the couch. "When I talked to Brian... I... ugh... It's stupid! I'm just being stupid."
Salem slowly sat up, looking at Dirt curiously. "What happened when you talked to Brian?" he asked, trying to be gentle.
"He told me..." Dirt took a shaky breath, and his voice broke as he said, "That he still loves me..."
"Oh, shit..." :O ← That was Salem's face. "Well... Do you still love him?" he asked cautiously.
"I..." Dirt shut his eyes, and willed himself not to cry. "I.. think so. But.. I love you, too..."
"Tch! You know I don't care if you date other people! Divan and I are practically dating, I think. I don't know, I haven't really asked, but like you know what I mean! We're, like, open, right?"
"Well, yeah, for you!" Dirt cried.
"For me?" Salem tilted his head to one side.
"Like, yeah, you're able to like, do that, like date multiple people at once, but I don't think I'm capable!" he explained.
"Not capable? Pfft! Sure you are! Why do you think you're not capable?" Salem asked, genuinely confused.
"Cause I don't know what I'm doing! I barely even know what I'm doing with YOU in OUR relationship! I wouldn't know how to handle two boyfriends!" Dirt frustratedly explained.
"Pfft!! You think I know what I'm doing?? God, you really are stupid..." Salem teased, chuckling. "We're both learning, bro! If you and Brian love each other, then.. Like.. you shouldn't have to cut each other off just because it would be new to be in a poly relationship. If you never even give yourself a chance, like... y'know?" Salem said, uncharacteristically wise.
"Hm. That was uncharacteristically wise of you, bro," said Dirt.
"WHAT! I can be wise! I! ...No, yeah, you're right ell oh ell.." Salem laughed, and it made Dirt laugh, too.
"But.." Dirt sighed again, "I don't even know if he'd want that. If he'd be okay with me also dating you, at the same time as him. Fuck, I don't even know if he wants to date me at all anymore!"
"Well..... Why don't you ask him, then....." Duh.
Dirt slowly scooted up back into an upright position, nodding his head. "Yeah.. Yeah, I'll just ask him!"
"Yeah!" Salem smiled, and pressed himself against Dirt, purring as he nuzzled his shoulder.
Just then, Sarah came out of her room with a look of concern on her face. "Hey guys? Uh... Do you know about this??" She was holding her phone up and pointing to it, but it was too far away to see what was on it.
"What?" Dirt and Salem both questioned. Sarah walked up to them, showing them her phone more closely. A TikTok was silently looping on the screen, a TikTok Daisy had made.
"It just came up on my For You page.. It has like a thousand comments already," she said, grimacing. Salem YOINKED Sarah's phone from her hands and squinted at the screen, and Dirt looked over his shoulder to see.
A title text read "CATBOYS ARE REAL PT. 3" Salem turned the sound on, and they heard Daisy's voice saying, "He. Is. REAL. I finally got to meet him in person," very giddily. Her face was then green-screened over a low-quality video of Salem, as she pointed at him looking all shocked and shit.
"What the FUCK?!?" Dirt yelled indignantly. "How did she even get this footage???"
The video showed Salem talking to Daisy, including when she said, "I won't spill any beans!" Daisy continued, "You guys can keep thinking it's fake, I don't give a shit, because I know he's fucking real. Aaaahh!! This is fucking crazy!!!" Salem was starting to breathe heavily, and Sarah sat down next to him, putting an arm around him. He opened the comment section and scrolled through them. It was about 50/50 of people who believed it and people who thought it was fake. Stuff like "this is sooo fucking fake it doesn't even look real lmao stop pretending" and "you can literally see the editing like at least fake it good 🙄" but also "the way u straight up lied 2 him 'i wont spill any beans' im fuckin dead" "AAHHH!!! HE'S SO CUTE TOO" and "please you HAVE to get more footage we need more proof!!! so many ppl think it's fake!!!" to which Daisy replied "aaah i know i wanna try and see him again but he doesn't trust me yet 🥺hes just like any other cat like that lol his owner said he takes a while to warm up to ppl!"
"OF FUCKING COURSE I DON'T TRUST YOU, BITCH!!! LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING DID!!!!!" Salem screamed. "This is part three??? What are the other parts???" Salem asked to no one in particular as he navigated to Daisy's page. Her username is 2001babydazey by the way. Just thought you all should know. Anyways, Salem scrolled to find the first part.
It was just Daisy, talking to the camera with the title "CATBOYS ARE REAL?? PART 1?" above her head. They said, "You guys. My coworker just told me the craziest story, and I WANT to believe him, but I don't know what to think. So to sum it up, he and his boyfriend (also our coworker) broke up because of some lies that surrounded... A catboy. Like a real. Catboy. I'm not talking like a twink with a cat ear headband and a collar, I mean part cat, part boy. Sooo I'm gonna ask his alleged 'owner' about it and I'll update you guys with any more info I get..."
It was exactly how you're picturing it. Super annoying with a bunch of jumpcuts and shit with them making stupid facial expressions. It almost felt like one of those weird fictional accounts where they basically just tell a fictional story through TikTok as the medium, but they were dead serious.
"UUUGGHHH!! I FUCKING HATE FUCKING TIKTOK!!! FUCK!!!!" Salem screamed as he kept scrolling to find part 2. Sarah and Dirt both looked over his shoulders, as they held him and pet him, trying to comfort him.
In part 2, Daisy showed screenshots of her and Dirt's text conversation. She starts the video very excited, "CATBOYS ARE REAL. AND MY COWORKER HAS ONE LIVING WITH THEM." The screen shows the part of the conversation where Dirt was sending pictures of regular old cat Salem. "At first, I thought they were just fucking with me, sending me pictures of a regular cat, but then..." The selfie of Salem that Dirt had taken from his OnlyFans was shown on screen, Daisy's green-screened face popping in over it. "I know you're probably all gonna say this is photoshopped, but like fuck, dude... I don't think it is! I mean, I don't know why they'd go to all this trouble to lie about a fake catboy that apparently was the reason their relationship ended? Like that.. would be pretty fucking weird. Anyways, they said I might be able to meet him IN PERSON, so I'll definitely try to get him on camera!"
"UUUURRGGH! FUCK!! FUCK! FUCK! I FUCKING KNEW SHE WAS UP TO SOMETHING! SHIT!!!" Salem screamed. He opened the comments on part 2. One at the top with hundreds of likes on it said "lol dude i sub to this guys onlyfans. its edited its just a fetish thing lmao he makes cgi catboy videos. hes a hella talented 3d animator, but not a real catboy"
Salem let out a soft, hopeful little, "Oh!" He followed that comment thread and saw a couple of more people agreeing, saying they also follow his OnlyFans, or they've heard of him before. "Okay.. Okay, like, maybe... Maybe!! Like! I can be like, 'oooh we did a collab as a joke' or whatever! Right? Right? Like..." Salem panickedly prattled, "Like just a publicity stunt or something, y'know? Ahhh fuck... FUCK! No, god, no I'm so fucking STUPID I'm gonna get found out! FUCK!!!" Salem dropped Sarah's phone in his lap and covered his face, sobbing into his hands.
Dirt and Sarah looked at each other, concerned. "H-hey, bubba, it's okay!" Sarah softly cooed, caressing Salem's face. "NO!! IT'S NOT OKAY!" Salem yelled, tears streaming down his cheeks. "We're supposed to be a SECRET and now we're all gonna be found out and it's all MY FAULT!" he sobbed, falling into Sarah's arms. For a while, the three just sat there, Dirt and Sarah trying to comfort the hysterical Salem with pets and kisses and soft words.
Salem sniffled. "The Catboy Elders are gonna have me executed..." he whimpered pathetically into Sarah's chest, before breaking into sobs again.
Dirt and Sarah simultaneously SNAPPED their heads to look at each other, both completely stunned by what they'd just heard. "The what??" Sarah questioned, trying to remain gentle, though she was becoming increasingly frantic.
"The Catboy Elders!" Salem repeated. "The oldest catboys who make sure that our species remains a secret! I-I'm gonna be executed! Because! Th-this is all my fault!!!" he sobbed. Salem often lied about the nature of catpeople to get a rise out of Dirt, but they didn't think he was lying this time. He seemed genuinely scared for his life as he cried, all curled up into a ball in his best friends' arms.
"I... I'm gonna call Mitt," Sarah said nervously, taking her phone from Salem's lap and hurriedly finding Mitten's contact, and putting the call on speaker. Her hands were shaking.
"Haaaiiiiii~~~" Mitt answered.
"Hi, um, you're on speaker, uh... Um, so..." Sarah sighed. Where to begin?
"MITTEEEEEENS" Salem cried, "I FUCKED UP I FUCKED EVERYTHING UP," he sobbed.
"What?? What's going on? Buttercup, are you okay???" Mittens asked, frantic and worried.
"THE WHOLE WORLD IS GONNA KNOW ABOUT CATPEOPLE AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!!!" he lamented to his sister.
"Wh... What? What are you talking about? What happened??" she asked sternly. Salem could no longer answer, as he was wracked with sobs, his whole body convulsing.
Sarah sighed tersely, and answered for him, "Dirt's coworker got video of him and posted it to TikTok, saying she has proof that catboys are real. And, it's got like, millions of likes already.." she explained as succinctly as she could manage.
"Mitteeennss I don't know what to doooo," Salem cried, "I don't wanna diiiiiieee..."
"What??? Why would you die??"
"THE CATBOY ELDERS WILL HAVE ME EXECUTED, MITTENS!!!" he screamed.
"The.. pFFTT.. AHAHAHAHAH!! OH NO! OH MY GOD, DUDE! AAAAHAHAAA" Mittens scream-laughed, and Dirt and Sarah looked at each other in confusion. "Ooooh my god.. Phew!! Dude! The Catboy Elders aren't real!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????" Salem yelled, as Dirt and Sarah again both said, "WHAT??" simultaneously.
"Oohh fuck. Oh my god.. Buttercup... Shit. That's just.. a story parents tell their kids so they won't get themselves found out! That shit's not real, dude! Fuck, you left before mom told us, didn't you!" Mittens said, laughing through her words.
"W.....what?" Salem weakly whimpered.
"Yeah, dude! It's okay! You're not gonna get fuckin' executed, man!" she chuckled.
"What... but..." Salem sniffled and started wiping his wet face with his hands. "Well then why are we even a secret!" he yelled, suddenly indignant.
"Man, I don't know! That's just... what the first catpeople did, and it's been working out for us," Mitt said in a tone that conveyed she was shrugging, "But dude, this literally happens all the time. You don't have to worry about it, some catperson with hypnosis will make sure that enough people refuse to believe it. Cookie might even end up doing it herself!"
"Cookie?" Sarah chirped, intrigued.
"Our sister," Mitt answered, "She has hypnosis powers."
"Woah..." Sarah said, a sparkle in her eyes.
"But yeah, for real, it's en bee dee, bro. Like, at the most it's an annoyance, but you're not gonna get in trouble, or get fuckin'--pfft--executed, or anything," Mittens promised.
"DON'T LAUGH AT ME!!! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!!" Salem yelled into the receiver. Mittens laughed in response to this.
"Okay, well if that's all then I'm gonna go," Mitt said as she caught her breath from laughing.
"Thank you, Mittens," Sarah said sweetly before hanging up. Salem huffed a little sigh.
"Okay well I guess I'm just stupid, then," he said bitterly.
"Noooo, sweetie you're not stupid!" cooed Sarah, as she hugged Salem.
"Yes I am... That's like the equivalent of believing in Santa Claus as an adult or some shit," he sighed and held his head in his hands.
"If Santa Claus fucking killed you for being naughty, I guess," Dirt commented. "Seriously what the hell? Your mom told you you'd be EXECUTED if you got found out???"
Salem shrugged, "Made sense to me..."
"I'm just sayin' it's a fuckin' dark thing to tell a kid!"
"Pfft. Krampus exists," Sarah smugly pointed out. "And like, kappas. I think the boogeyman? He like steals you away, I don't know if he kills you, but y'know.. Not that unusual.."
"Well those are dark things to tell kids, too! Sheesh!" Sarah and Salem both chuckled a little at that. "Regardless, though, I'm still fucking pissed at Daisy. I specifically told them not to tell anyone!"
"Yeah, I fucking hate that bitch.. I wanna get revenge on her ass. Fill her car with... SNAKES yeah... heh...." Salem plotted, rubbing his hands together evilly.
"Salem!" Sarah exclaimed, sounding shocked, but also a little intrigued.
"What?! She's trying to have me fucking exposed!!!" he complained.
"Dude, no, revenge is stupid. We're not getting revenge," Dirt stated, pinching the bridge of his nose like he was getting a headache.
Salem growled, annoyed. "Ughhhh you're so boring," he hissed, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms.
"Man..." Dirt sighed, "I kinda feel like this is my fault... You told me you didn't trust them and I didn't listen..."
"Wow yeah, true.. Yeah... This is totally your fault, actually..." Salem agreed.
Dirt looked down at his lap. "Well, geez don't agree with me that easily..." His voice cracked. Sarah snorted.
"Well now you've learned to never doubt my judgement, haven't you!" Salem said braggadociously. "I'm not revealing myself to any more of your fuckin' friends.."
"Yeah, no, of course not. I'm sorry I pressured you before," Dirt apologized as he took Salem's hand.
"It's okay," Salem said, squeezing their hand and nuzzling against their cheek as he wagged his tail. Sarah giggled and pet his back, making him purr loudly.
"Ooohh come here, bubba," she said, wrapping her arms around Salem's torso and pulling him close. "You really fuckin' scared me for a second back there, dude! I thought we were about to be like... on the run from the fucking Catboy Elders!!" she chuckled, and Salem hugged her back, giggling and purring.
"I'm sorry, Sarah, for scaring you," he said sweetly, looking up at her with wide, innocent eyes.
"Awwww, it's okay, sweetie!" she cooed, then gave him a kiss on the forehead, and squeezed him tight.